


Erased

by HEA_andallthelike



Series: To be Tortured. To Heal. To be Free [2]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Bad Decisions, Betrayal, Character Death, Death, Desertion, District 2, Eventual Sex, F/M, Justice, Plot Twists, Violence, bad language, coming for snow, coming together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-05-16 20:36:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5840131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HEA_andallthelike/pseuds/HEA_andallthelike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss is surely destroyed. Peeta doesn't remember her. After everything they survived together, everything they meant to each other, he only knows her as the classmate he has admired from afar. Katniss is so different from that girl now. Bruised, broken, and deadly. There is no way for Peeta to remember her, unless they make him remember all of it. The games, the deaths, the torture, the murder- and she won't do that to him. </p><p>That leaves Katniss alone, trying to end the war she helped ignite, wondering if any of this will be worth it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta doesn't remember, and Katniss is refusing to remind him. She is on her way to take an active part in this war, but her resolve to survive and to heal has been obliterated. Whats there to survive for?

Katniss POV

 

My squad and I are strapped in, and the engines have ignited. The sound is deafening, and the air is thick with anticipation. No one speaks, which is just fine for me. I lay my head back and my head bounces with each movement of the hovercraft. I don't care though, the constant movement and vibrations I feel keep my mind off of all of the things I'm trying so hard not to remember. It's been a few weeks since I've seen Peeta. I've tried to keep my distance, so the pain isn't so constant. Despite everything I've busied myself with, the training, propaganda, and meetings, my mind still always wanders to thoughts of him. The boy I'd want by my side in all things, who doesn't know me thanks to the torture he endured. I grit my teeth and let the memory stir up every ounce of hatred I feel towards the Capitol. Once we have the loyalty of two, the Capitol is our next target.

I try to keep my eyes straight in front of me, so I could avoid being pulled into any conversation I don't have the energy for. I can't help myself however and I look to my squad mates. Boggs, our commander is looking at some sort of hologram device, that only he can see, and his eyes are laser focused and fierce. I've only spoken to him a few times, but I think I can respect Boggs. He never sounds like he forgets the humanity in it all. People could be talking about dismantling this, blowing up that, and taking over this, but Boggs always comments on evacuating civilians, setting up safe zones, and getting medics in as soon as possible. I think he may be one of the few truly good men left in this world.

We have a camera crew with us too, and that just pisses me off to no end. I feel like the country has seen enough shit, including my time in the Capitol, and to broadcast even more footage filled with death and destruction seems cruel. I especially don't like that they are specifically here to film me. I'm the Mockingjay however, I agreed to be another lightning rod. They want Panem to see me, to know I'm alive, and to know I'm fighting Snow with every ounce of resolve I have left in my being. I'm here because Coin needs more propaganda. I'm not loving the fact that Im helping with what feels more like manipulation than anything else, but I do know the alternative is to stay living under Snow's government, and that absolutely cannot happen. Cressida, our director, doesn't seem so bad. Even though we have had meeting after meeting about what I'm supposed to do once we get to 2, she generally stays quiet and doesn't push me too much, I can appreciate that at least. Gale had told me that her family was arrested after she made a film trying to enlighten Capitol residents to the horrors of the hunger games. She never found out where they went or what happened to them, until a month later when she was sent the pictures of her families executions. She could have, or probably even should have, broken down, but instead of staying silent she left, and started showing her films behind the closed doors of angry citizens houses throughout all of the districts. When she saw my games, she snuck back into the Capitol and has been in cahoots with Plutarch ever since.

Stories like hers almost always make me feel unsure of myself. Her family was taken, but she was still willing to fight. she didn't need to be coaxed or persuaded. She, on her own accord, continuously put herself in danger to fight for what she believes in. I wish I had that assuredness. I constantly feel like I'm not worthy of being such an important rallying point. I never did anything that wasn't to save myself or my family. I never meant for those berries to bring us here. Those stupid fucking berries! As much as I want Snow dead, and as much as I want the games to never happen again, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I never stuck my hand out with those berries in it. I think the revolution would have happened no matter what, but I probably wouldn't be here, my family wouldn't be dead, and Peeta would have never been tortured. Ugh, no point, I remind myself. There is no point to imagining the what ifs. Because no amount of imagination will take me off this hovercraft I'm on now. I'm going to 2, whether I like it or not. I remember being in 2 before. On our victory tour, 2 was one of the worst stops. Each stop was awful, for so many different reasons, but being in 2 was disturbing in ways I couldn't have anticipated. Those citizens felt like we robbed them of something. It was only then I realized how much they actually bought in to the 'honor' of winning the games crap. They weren't sad for the loss of Clove or Cato. They were ashamed of them. Those kids who had been brought up feeling the murder of children wasn't atrocious, we're now dead in the ground and it looks like their district neighbors would spit on their graves. When we were marched on that stage and announced to them, they looked at us with venom shooting from their eyes. They believed, with all their beings, that Peeta and I deserved to be dead. How do you reach people like that? However you do it, I better figure it out soon, because that's exactly what i have to do.

A flashing light goes off, and with it a horrendous beeping noise continuously sounds. Myself and my squad mates look around searching for the reason we are being deafened and blinded, and then Boggs speaks up, "Here we go, 15 minutes until we land in 2. Alright soldiers, get your heads on straight.  We are so close. We have very few targets left. This war IS ending, and it WILL end with our side claiming victory. If your scared, get over it now. We have no time for fear, no time for cowardice. We will liberate our nation. For Panem!!!!!" He speaks with such conviction and passion that all of us watch him in pure wonderment. People start shouting and hollering their loyalty, the soldiers are nodding their heads, their eyes clear, and I know their convictions run deep. They believe in the vision of a new Panem. People start unlatching themselves and grabbing on to the bars above their heads so once we land we can immediately deboard. I look to my right, and see a woman soldier kiss a picture of what must be her children, fold it up, place it in her pocket, and then look up. Her eyes meet mine, she smiles at me. "For Panem! For our families!" She says to me. There is something about her, the sacrifice she is making, he passion she feels, that stifles my own fears and doubts. I look back at her and smile.

"For our families!" I agree. Then, silently to myself, "For my mom, for Prim, for Peeta."

_____________________________

We land a little roughly, and I lose my balance and to my horror I actually fall on the ground. That's right soldiers, follow me, the girl splayed out on the floor, into battle. Ugh, I'm so annoyed with myself it's disgusting, and it only gets worse when I hear two familiar voices snickering behind me. I narrow my eyes as I stand back up and turn to face the two men who have no erupted into full on hysterics when they see how red my cheeks are. "Shut up!" I whisper at them, not wanting to draw any more attention to my embarrassing moment. Finnick stands up straight, puts his hands on his hips, and has this smirk on his face that reminds me of Caesar Flickerman. The corners of my mouth pull up, even though I want them to think I'm mad at them.

"Tell me Miss Everdeen, our dear dear Katniss, how do you expect to fight in a war without having properly mastered the art form of standing up?" Finnick says in his perfectly practiced Capitol accent. Gale starts laughing again, and I can't help but join in because Gale has never been one to laugh at anything, so it makes me happy to see him smile this way.

I look back to Finnick, who is still wearing a smile on his face, and reply. "Well I thought I could just get by if you carried me around. Afterall no ones gonna shoot at pretty pretty Finnick." This has Gale laughing even harder and Finnicks smile widens even more as he playfully headbutts me helmet to helmet. My nerves are abating. I know having Finnick and Gale here have a lot to do with that. I don't feel so alone, and I know the three of us will look out for each other. Our odds at survival are higher that way I think.

"Alright soldiers! We deboard the hovercraft and all 3rd and 2nd tiered persons will immediately move to section 5 of the base to load into the trucks that will relocate us to our target area. All 1st tiered soldiers will come with me and we will be brought up to speed by Commandor Lyme. Then at 2100 hours, we move out. Sergeant Dillon and Sergeant Moll will be in command of the troops while I'm being debriefed. "

I have no idea what any of that means, but it looks like everyone else does. Gale touches my soldier and I look back at him. "I'm 2nd tiered Katniss, I'll see you soon okay," he states but I grab his arm and shake my head. "No," I say, "You come with me and Finnick." I see him take a deep breath and know that he anticipated I'd react that way. Didn't I just get done thinking that I'd feel better having the three of us stay together? It's already inconceivable for me to be going into a battle situation without Peeta, can I not at least have Gale with me?

"Katniss, I'm just a guy from 12. I'm not a victor, I was never a tribute, my face doesn't mean jack shit to anyone." He tries to reason with me, "I'm a good soldier, and I'm lucky I got 2nd tier. I promise I'll meet up with you after your meeting."

I'm scowling at him now, hating that he has reason on his side, and I think he is probably more mentally competent than Finnick and I are, so it's ridiculous that were not 2nd or 3rd tier as well. We start to deboard, and as I step off the hovercraft I take in the story that's being told in front of me. It's a sad story, that's for sure. So few soldiers are visible, and all of them look worse for the wear. They're dirty, bandaged, and seem to be barely able to hold themselves up. There are tents up everywhere, and a few small building to my left which seem to be the mess hall and base headquarters. Gale gives my shoulder a small shake and a peaceful parting smile as he heads to where Sergeant Dillon is leading his troops. The third tier soldiers are close by with Sergeant Moll in command. I turn towards Finnick and we start walking to headquaters, with Boggs leading the way.

We enter the small building, and we see a team of people huddled around a table to our left. A woman stands and looks towards us, "Boggs, good, happy to see you've arrived safely. Trucks are ready to go, do you have your battalion ready?"

"Yes, they're already headed over with my Sergeants. Our numbers are fewer than we expected. We lost a lot in eight." He drops his head. From what I've heard, we lost 1/10 of all of our troops while we were there.

She nods at this, but there is something written on her face that concerns me. She looks back to the holographic images that are hovering over the table. She runs both hands through her hair and sighs deeply. She walks to a beaten down chair at her desk and sits down emphatically. "Just as well," she says. "Boggs, there have been some recent developments.... Ugh. I think you and your team here need to see this." That doesn't sound good, I think. Boggs doesn't like the sound of it either because his stance immediately changes to that of a man on edge. "Lyme, what's wrong? Our outlook on our chances here were good not even 24 hours ago?" He speaks harshly. Lyme, as I now know who she is, looks to a member of her team and nods to them. A screen pops up and a video starts to play, and my breath hitches as I see him on screen. President Snow.

I want to throw up just seeing his smug face, and when I hear his voice my muscles tense to the point of pain. I don't want to watch, I don't want to listen, but I know I have to.

"People of Panem, it's time now. It's time to stop this senseless violence. Our numbers are so few, that extinction is a very real possibility. I don't want that, you don't want that. Everything every person in Panem has done over the years, was in the pursuit of survival. It's our greatest strength, our will to survive. I surely don't want to take anymore lives, which is why I'm still at this moment, sending out as many supplies and medics I can to the more war torn areas. I can't say the same for the radicals. They have bombed and decimated areas across our nation. Your families have suffered, your families have died, and now your families are left to wonder 'what's next?' I'm willing and ready to agree to certain demands placed on my government, in order to stop the mass killings that are still occurring. Today, I promise to you, the hunger games will be a thing of the past. The Quell will have been the last games ever. Each district will have more supplies; whether it be food, water, medicine, shelter. I want a strong Panem, I want a healthy Panem. Together we can heal. Join me. It's time for the radicals to be stopped. I offer a peace treaty to President Coin in 13. I certainly hope she accepts it." The screen goes blank.

You could hear a pin drop. We are all frozen, to shocked to move. I think about what I've just seen, nobody could believe that right? Snow will never, never treat us fairly. Finnick is the first of us to move, and he puts his hands on his knees and cries out in laughter. He sounds insane, and Lyme looks perplexed. I understand though, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous to think snow could mean anything he just said. A peace treaty? Seriously? Boggs clears his throat and shakes his head unbelievably.

"Alright... What does that mean for us."

Lyme looks... sad. She genuinely looks like she is just plain sad. "It means," she starts, "that Coin is accepting the olive branch. The two are meeting in district four in four days. Coin believed there was no way to keep the people fighting once Snow offered peace, especially after being close to decimated in our latest efforts. She has promised, however, that we can rest assured that despite the treaty she will overhaul Snow's government, and forevermore evict them from their places of power." She closes her eyes as she states that last part, as if it pains her to relay information that she doesn't believe to be true. "But Snow will be granted his freedom in exchange for his willingness to comply and his peace offer." 

Finnick has stopped laughing and the two of us are visibly seething, shaking with the anger we feel. Everyone else is shocked, angry, and confused. Boggs' mouth hangs open and his brow is wrinkled in disbelief. A treaty. After everything, Snow is going to walk away.

"No," I say, "That can't happen. He would NEVER EVER stay true to his word. Is Coin an idiot? She is going to meet with him!? We have to kill him!"

"As much as I'd be first in line for that assignment," Lyme responds, "it turns out Snow has a much more developed bunker than we realized. The underground fortress seems almost impenetrable. I wish I had something better to say, something better to tell you, but right now our command is to bring supplies and aid to the people of 2, and to not engage with The Nut, the way our original operative was written. We can't look like we are still on the offense, now the entire country has heard the peace offer."

Finnick covers his eyes and shakes his head. "Nothing... Nothing will change. Maybe for a short while, but Snows an evil son of a bitch. Youre kidding yourselves if you think he won't want retribution. People will stay loyal to him as long as he is alive! If Coins too much of a fucking idiot to understand that, and if she has no problem letting that snake live, than I'm not sure she should be behind the desk either."

Lyme makes circles around the temples of her forehead and audibly sighs, showing her frustration. I know it's not her call, to not continue the war, but she is the messenger so she is all I have to take my anger out on.

"4 has been nearly wiped out. 7 was practically all burned to the ground. How can we rebuild with no supplies? Our textiles district? Pharmaceuticals? Bombed to bits. There is almost NOTHING left. Several districts remain generally unscathed, but they're the ones with the weakest resolve. Coin is playing her odds." Lyme throws her hands up in disgust. My heart starts pounding again, Coin is playing her odds. The games will always be played whether in an arena, a war, a courtroom, or the boardroom. Humans, it seems, just aren't capable of unadulterated decency.

"There is nothing more to do than what we have been ordered to do. You're all dismissed. The trucks are waiting for you to take you into the district so you can help disperse the supplies. Good luck."

__________________________

As we walk towards section 5, I look at Finnick and think I can see the anger radiating from his eyes. I know he is thinking about Annie, and how all he wanted was to get justice for her. She still isn't talking. I know it pained him everyday to be able to see her, but not talk with her. Her eyes never meeting his, and his arms never able to wrap around her. She deserves justice. Peeta, my family, district 12, every tribute there ever was, every person who died from forced poverty.... Everyone. They all deserve justice.

"Finnick, there cannot be a treaty. Snow has to be ended." I look up at him. "We can take the hologram. We can take the info they have. Get a few of us, we need to go."

He looks at me, wide eyed in surprise. "Katniss, how could we manage that. How could that ever work? We are victors, not commanders. I have no idea how to navigate a bunker. I just know how to survive.... And how to kill. I want him dead, you know I do, but where would we even start?"

"You start with me," Boggs says behind us, and I immediately panic at he thought of him hearing Finnick and I discuss desertion. In every training we were ever in, albeit I only made it to two, we were told that the worst thing we could do was abandon our unit. "You start with me," he continues. "We leave tonight. I'll gather the small team of those I trust, and we head to the Capitol tonight." He never looks us in our eyes while talking to us, and when he finishes he pushes past us to talk to his commanders.

Finnick and I stop dead in our tracks. Boggs wants us to go, and he wants to come with us. I can feel my body fill with adrenaline, the energy I have is now palpable and Finnick is exuding it as well. Coin might be dumb enough to discuss a treaty, but with any luck Snow will be dead, by MY hand before that meeting ever has a chance to take place. My mind then replays the image I have of Peeta, strapped to a chair, being beaten and injected with poison. How he was tortured to the point that death would have been merciful. My jaw clenched in anger. Snow will die, by MY hand, for Peeta.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2! Thanks for reading. Lemme know why you think!! War stuff is not so easy for me to write, others do it WAY WAY better- but I'm open to any and all suggestion


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it. There is no going back...

Katniss POV 

 

My heart is pounding, I can feel it through my uniform. This is it, this is going to happen. I'm sitting nervously on a bench by the transport vehicles most of my fellow soldiers are loading into now. My eyes dart from one side to the other, wondering where Boggs has gone, and wondering what's going to happen next.  _Calm down Katniss!_ I keep saying it over and over again to myself, taking deep breaths all the while. As much as I want this, and I  _really_ want this, I can't ignore the fear I feel. In reality it hasn't been very long since I was last in the Capitol. I can still hear the screams, feel the shocks, taste the blood, and see the guards coming towards me while I beg them to stay away. I shiver. I wrap my arms around myself and wonder if I really have the wherewithal to do this. Finnick walks over and sits next to me. His eyes are focused on the ground, and I can see his body tense. 

"Katniss," he breathes, "when I saw, what was happening to you and the others, I think I was on the cusp of actually losing my mind. I couldn't.... I couldn't stomach knowing that those people could consider themselves human after the monstrous... evil... Things they did. Annie.... she really isn't doing well. That's why Mags took her place in the Quell ya know? She knew Annie couldn't take anymore, that she had been broken down too badly by her games." A single tear falls down his face, and he wipes it away, aggravated by its presence. It always makes me uncomfortable, seeing Finnick like this. He always seems strong, unbreakable even, and I've never been the comforting type. Luckily for me this time it seems he just needs me to listen. 

"Johanna too." He states, and a wave of guilt courses over me. Johanna should be on my mind always, but I've selfishly focused only on myself and Peeta. She has been more lucid than the other two, and had started talking to people over a week ago. I haven't visited her. I don't know why, I know it's wrong. I owe it to her to see how she is. I'm terrified tho, that while everyone seems to want to assuage my guilt, she will be the one to tell me the truth, that this is all my fault. Finnick has seen her, but everytime he leaves her room he retreats into his own mind, and nothing can bring him back from the depths. Whatever she says to him, it chills him to the core.

 

"I can't see her." I whisper. 

"You can. You can, but you won't, because you can't." He replies.

I raise my eyebrows at him and despite the serious nature of the conversation, I can't help the smile that forms on my lips. "Wow Finnick," I start, "they should really consider making you the head shrink. That made more sense than almost everything else I've heard since getting out of the Capitol." He can't help himself and breaks out into the wonderful Finnick Odair laugh that could light up the entire world. "Mm yes," he agrees, "I am very wise." 

We sit there laughing for a few more minutes before we are approached by commander Lyme. She motions for us to follow her. Finnick immediately stands and moves in the direction she is now walking, but I'm more cautious. I search around looking for any sign of Boggs, where is he? After a long moment passes and I know I can't stay behind much longer, I rush to catch up to them. She leads us to a small building that I didn't notice before. It's tinier than all the rest, and no light emanates from the one window that I see. We enter the dark space behind Lyme. She shuts the door, closes that one window and then turns on a very dim light. I go dizzy at the sight.

No... No no, I need to leave right now. In front of me are 4 jail cells. Four. All side by side. My palms begin to sweat, and I nervously shift my weight. Each creak I hear makes me jump, and I constantly check behind me to see if someone is coming to push me in one of these dreaded rooms. My breathing picks up, and Finnick takes a hold of my left shoulder. He holds it firmly as though he is reminding me that I am here in this moment right now, not anywhere else. Lyme is talking into a phone attached to the wall at the other side. She is so quiet that even standing a few feet from her, I can't make out a single word she says. Aside from being uncomfortable with my present surroundings, I know start to panic about what Lyme is talking about, and who she is talking to. Does she know of our plan to leave? Is that why we are here? To be detained for desertion? Before I can work myself up anymore, she hangs up the phone and turns to us.

"Underneath the floor board in cell two is a passageway. It goes through the old sewer system of the buildings that used to stand here. There are many different tunnels, follow the ones with the red X painted on them. It will lead you to a stairway that will bring you above ground again about 5 miles from here. I have two of my sharpshooters waiting for you there in a small commuter truck. Three other soldiers will also be accompanying you. You're not going to the Capitol, you're going to 4."

We stare at her, not knowing where to start in our reply. I clear my throat first, "Boggs?" 

"He will meet you in four. Understand soldiers, for you to all be traveling together is dangerous. The risk is too great, and chance of suspicion elevates. Four separate squads will make their way to Four and rendezvous in 16 hours. From their, Boggs will take final command and bring you to your targets. Snow....  and Coin."

_____________________________

I don't let the surprise show on my face this time. I'm tired of always being the little girl who is never in the know. If I'm going to be the face of a rebellion, I better start acting like I understand the games of war we play. I see Finnick and the smile on his face is deadly. There was no love between himself and Coin, and he never forgave her for certain things she did and said when he first arrived in 13. As for me, I have NO problem with the idea of taking Coin out. I've never thought she cared about the districts or the people in pain. She only cares about being the one to rule over them. Two peas in a pod- Snow and Coin. 

"I see that you're not surprised by the changes added to this rogue mission." Lyme says, reading the less than discontented looks upon our faces. "Make no mistake this is now mutinous action we are taking. The decision has been swift throughout every commander. Coin isn't with the groups, we are. We will guide them through, and Paylor will step up to take Coins place once the act is done."

We nod at her, and I can start to see how this will take shape. "There could never be a treaty with Snow. Anyone who would ever let that happen is someone who shares the same poisonous, power hungry mindset that Snow himself has." I say, and I'm surprised by how strong my voice sounds. "Neither of them could live under the rule of the other, so there would be no finality to the war. There would be constant chaos until one or the other was brought down. It would erode the nation until we had completely destroyed ourself."

"Yes," she says. "Now that the word peace has been put out for the country to hear, neither Snow or Coin have the 'safe' confines of war to carry out the execution of one another. Coin wants the people to see her as a savior, and Snow played right into that. He has no delusions of being loved by the people, but he knows how to manipulate and survive. We need a new beginning. The country needs to heal. Coin...." she hesitates, as if unsure of whether or not she wants to say the words that are forming in her mind. "Coin has shown for a long time her proclivity towards the evil side of human nature. If there wasn't a team in place to do this now, I'd go and do it myself...." She trails off.

i won't push her to elaborate. It doesn't surprise me that there is some great evil hiding in Coin's closet. It makes me all the more ready to get this plan in gear. I want to go.

"You will hear a rally call in about ten minutes. Go then. Don't stop. Do your job." She looks at us one final time, "Good luck."

She exits and there is a heavy silence that fills the room with her absence. I instinctually reach back and grasp at the ends of my arrows, then reach back and softly strum the string of my bow. We have two targets, but I'm shooting for Snow. I don't have the only grievances against him, but think no one could hate the man more than me. I'll carefully prep that arrow; the one that will fly straight through his heart.

Its so strange, feeling the way I do. I hate myself for being so okay with killing, but Im resigned to it. I know I'm deadly, murderous. There isn't anything good in me. Death, and dealing death, have become a part of me, a part I never saw coming. I can envision myself as a little girl. I was always obstinate. Always defiant. Yet, through that harsh exterior, I remember being a child who would wonder at things. I recognized the beauty in my fathers voice, a hummingbirds buzz, the mist that came with the dawn in spring. I used to smile. I used to laugh. Not a lot, but I did. I cried when I held Prim the first time, I had never seen anything so perfect. I always tried to sing like my dad, hunt like my dad, basically I tried to be my dad. I loved my mom though too, she was such a soft presence. Calming, loving, nurturing; she was all of those things, until she wasn't. All of it, every good thing I had ever had was taken away. Forced away by Snow, way before I was ever reaped for the games. Tears start falling down my face, silently mourning the Katniss that once was, but is now dead and forgotten to this world. Here I stand as her replacement, an assassin with scars that will never be able to be unseen, unfelt. I wipe my nose, close my eyes, and silently plea that the little girls that will come later in this world, will get to marvel at the hummingbird longer than I did. 

One minute later, we hear the rally cry of the troops, and taking a quick glance at one another, Finnick and I move to cell 2, pull back the trap door, and descend into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peeta's coming back in the next chapter


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta's unsure of himself in this new environment. Everyone seems to know him, though he doesn't know why, and he has these terrorizing visions that paralyze him both day and night. His only solace is in his brother Rye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read and review if you have a moment, this whole story is so much harder for me.

Peeta's POV 

 

My eyes flutter open and I have no idea what time of day it is. I miss windows. I miss sunsets. I miss all of those things I took for granted when we were able to live above ground. It's too manufactured here in 13. The same lights in every room, every hall, every stairway. They give me headaches, and I think sometimes I might lose my mind if I don't feel some sort of fresh air blow into my lungs. Instead I'm left with this sterile, metallic world where clocks are the only thing that can tell us what time it is. I glance over to the one on my table- 5:30. I'm assuming that's am. So that means that I've managed two hours of sleep this past night. Woopdie- frickin-doo. Ugh. I sigh, and run my hands through my hair. I pull tightly at it, hoping the pain will shake me out of the fog I'm encased in. I sit up and look in the mirror that's right across from me in my hospital room. I'm still amazed at what I look like. I'm so skinny. My shoulders, which have always been broad and sturdy, are still deeply bruised and have my bones protruding in ways that make me uneasy. I glance up at my hair and I see the unnatural color woven through my original golden strands. When did I do that? WHY would I do that? I've never been vain, and I sure as shit wouldn't spend any money on Capitol glamour products. I think back and I can't think of anyone who had ever altered their hair color in 12.

My breath hitches as I feel an actual pang of loss in my chest. Anytime I think of twelve, I remember that aside from Rye my entire family is gone. It still doesn't feel real. So much of what's happened doesn't seem real, doesn't seem possible. Apparently the accident that landed me here in 13, also killed nearly everyone else from 12. Rye came to me after the doctors had been asking me questions all day about the things I remembered, and what my life was like before I woke up here. They drew blood and out me in some machine that took pictures of my head. They seemed concerned for me, and told Rye when he got there that I couldn't handle any extra stimuli, so to never have me watch the programs that were constantly playing around this place. I thought it was odd, but it left my mind because Rye finally told me about the bombings, about what happened. I felt the blood leave my face and my whole body went cold. My father, mother, brother, and friends; We had lost everyone, and I didn't remember any of it. The last thing I remember was sitting in the square with Rye, and my two friends from the wrestling team. The reaping was the next day, so I had swiped some cookies from the bakery that we could enjoy before one of us potentially got called up to go to our death in some arena. My mom didn't even object, even though I know she saw me take them. She can be awful, but the fear she felt when reaping day came around, that she would lose one of her sons, made it obvious to me she loved us. Despite everything that told me otherwise, my mother loves me. Loved. My mother loved me. Past tense. I take a deep steadying breath, and tell myself that there is nothing I can do to change what is, but I can be thankful that Rye is still here. 

I suppose I should be grateful that I don't remember the attack. Rye has the memories of watching our family die. I don't know if I could live with that. Everytime he visits I see it in his eyes, the pain and anguish. He looks older. So much older than I remember him ever looking. His blue eyes that were once so clear, bright, with just the hint of mischeif, are now dull and somber. It's not the Rye that I have known and loved my whole life. I think it's monumentally unfair that he has to suffer the way he is, and I can't share in the torment he feels. I feel the loss, of course, but I don't have my fathers corpse on my mind the way Rye does. I shudder at the thought. I try to think of happier images and a memory pops into my head that surprises me. 

My father and I were walking through the square, and he caught me staring at a schoolmate of mine. We were just kids then, but Katniss Everdeen still had this quality about her that would stop me dead in my tracks. Dad looked over and saw her mom next to her and told me this story about how he wanted to marry her once, but the man that took her away was far better than he could ever be. I remember feeling upset that anyone could have ever thought they were better than my dad. He laughed at my sour expression, "Don't you worry about me son. I have you, and your brothers. I'm a happy man." He looked over and focused on Katniss, "it seems you feel something for her girl, so I guess it worked out for you too." I blushed deeply and kicked at the rocks on the street. My dad laughed his deep gravelly laugh, and we headed home. I looked back one more time and saw Katniss look my way. I froze, not expecting to meet her eyes, and to my delight she took a few seconds before she looked away. I smiled the rest of the way home.

I guess I shouldn't be so surprised by the memory. Katniss did just visit me a few weeks ago, to my absolute shock. That was so unbelievably surreal. It was before Rye had even come to talk to me. She was crying, and there was such relief radiating from the smile that was plastered to her beautiful face. I had never even talked to her before, yet she came up and laid her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arms around me. I had never felt such fear and happiness in my life before. I wanted to hold her forever, but the confusion I felt couldn't be hidden in my voice. Immediately I felt her tense and she looked at me in concern. Her silver eyes looked so worried for me, her brow wrinkled, and mouth down turned. I wish I could have kept that smile on her face, but I was too shocked, to confused. As if I hadn't been surprised enough Haymitch Abernathy walked in and took her out of the room to talk to her. Why, WHY would Katniss have anything to talk about with the old drunken victor? I guess I may never know, because I haven't seen Katniss since that day. But in the moments where my mind is in between sleep and consciousness, I can still feel her arms around me, and I smile.

_______________________

 

"C'mon Peet, yah gotta do some of this yourself man!" My brother is pretty annoyed with me right now. He volunteered to help me with my physical therapy, but I know I'm leaning on him way too much during this incredibly taxing walk down the hallway. 

"Ugh, I know, I'm sorry." I pant, and I see a bench up ahead to our right. "Can we just take a break for a sec? Sit there?" He nods his head, and we hobble over to the bench. We practically fall into it and we can't help but laugh at the pathetic sight we must be. I've never been so weak. It hurts my pride a little, to need this much help, but Rye assures me there is nothing he would rather do. It seemed a tad too sentimental a statement for my brother to make, but under the circumstances I didn't question him too much. We lean back against the wall, and when our breathing evens out some, I decide it's a good a time as ever to talk to him about something that's nagging at me to the extent I can't think of anything else.

"Rye... You gotta tell me more." He looks at me, confusion and hesitation both residing in his face. I continue, "I'm not sleeping. I keep having the same nightmare over and over again. The other day I could have sworn I saw an article on the nurses desk talking about the 75th games.. How is that possible? What happened to the 74th? My leg..." My voice cracks and I try to toughen up, "There is no scarring. This is supposed to have just happened?"

Rye looks down at the floor, and I'm filled with dread because he looks terrified. Like I'm asking questions he hoped I would never ask. He takes a deep breath, but I see how hard it is for him when he tries to look me in my eyes. "What is the dream you have over and over again," he asks. 

It's my turn to look away as the images flash across my mind. They're so.... Awful. I almost want to abandon the subject so I  don't have to describe to my brother, who has already seen enough, the horrific visions that come to me each night. I need to know though. "It's always the same. Immense pain. There is blood everywhere, and I can't move. For some reason Katniss Everdeen is there, and it looks like she is telling the people who are hurting me what to do, how to do it. Did that happen? Is that why she visited? Because she felt guilty? I keep getting hit. Over and over again. I can feel it..." I stop. Tears spring to my eyes, and I feel ridiculous because this isn't real, it's just a dream! It shouldn't affect me like this. It's just when I touch the areas on my skin that were burned or beat in my dream, there are real life scars there now. How is that possible? Is it really a coincidence?

Rye looks so sad when I look back to him. That sadness lets me know that _I'm right._ The memories I've lost encompass more than the attack on 12. I look at him pleadingly to tell me the truth. 

"It's impossible," he whispers, "there was no way we could keep you from finding this all out. They wanted to protect you, but I knew this wouldn't work." He stands up and pulls me up with him. "C'mon, you gotta talk to him." I have no idea who he means but he pushes me into an elevator and hits the residential floor button. I'm a little nervous because I'm not supposed to leave the hospital ward, but my curiosity is greater than my need to play by the rules. When we get off people seem shocked to see us walking down the hallway. At first I think it must be because I'm not used to my prosthetic and I'm walking strangely, but I notice they're not staring at my leg. They're looking right into my eyes, and the looks on their faces reek of pity. Why would they pity me? They don't know me! I start to feel panicky at all the attention we are receiving, but we finally get to the room Rye wants to visit. He slides open the door and when we walk in I am shocked for the second time to see Haymitch Abernathy. He stands up looking at Rye and then back to me. His hair is messy and clothes seem unkempt, but he is more sure on his feet than I have ever seen him before.  

"What are you doing Rye?" He asks, though his eyes are fixed on me.

"This won't work Haymitch. Whether we reverse the amnesia or not, Peeta is going to remember this to some degree on his own. He dreams that Katniss has hurt him. If he remembers anything, I at least want it to be the truth." Rye is crying. I've never, ever, seen him cry.

Haymitch takes a deep breath and sits back down in his chair. His eyes stay on me, but I can tell he is fighting with himself in his mind. Finally he sighs, rubs his eyes, and motions for me to sit next to him.

"Well boy, she is going to kill me for this. Sit down, and let's start by assuring you that Katniss would never hurt you. Katniss would do anything for you. We both promised that we would do our best to keep you alive."

My mouth hangs open. I thought maybe there were a few memories here and there that I'd forgotten. Maybe a few months longer than what they had told me. But if Haymitch and Katniss are this big of a part of my life, then I think i better prepare myself for the rest of this story.


	4. Chapter 4

Peeta's POV

 

Haymitch pours himself a glass of water, and offers me one as well. I accept one even though I'm not thirsty, I know ill need it later if only to pour over my head to snap me out of the shock I will inevitably feel. Rye is leaning against the door, and when I look back at him I see the anxiety that's coursing through his veins. He is so nervous about how I'm going to react to this, that I start to sweat. What could be so bad that Rye looks ready to jump out of his skin? Maybe I don't want to know this after all. Maybe it's best to just remain ignorant to the obviously hurtful past. Before I get a chance to voice my change of heart, Haymitch starts again.

"Peeta, the first thing you have to understand is that there is a way to completely reverse the amnesia. Instead of me telling you what happened, you would recover all those lost memories and you'd remember every moment, every feeling, and every loss."

Loss. There must be more loss than I could imagine if Haymitch mentions it specifically. I take a deep breath, my resolve is definitely shaken. I think back to just minutes ago, being in the hallway and everyone's eyes on me. They steed as if they knew me, or like I meant something to them. I can't go on knowing that everyone seems to know more about my life than I do. I look at the old victor and nod for him to continue.

"There was a decision made to not restore your memories in an effort to give you the chance to have a life without some of the.... Baggage... You had been carrying around." He leans back in his chair, and he looks so sad that I feel bad for him. I can tell the memories that I've been protected from are painful for him. "Peeta I can't tell you everything, and if you want your memories back, you'll have to be the one to make that decision, but I can tell you about who you are. Who you are is so much more than you know," he continues, "You remember up until the day before the reaping right?" I nod at him. "Well," he sighs, "the reaping happened. The tributes from district 12 were Katniss Everdeen..... And Peeta Mellark." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I'm back in my hospital room. I hobbled all the way here, completely ignoring Rye's offer to help me. I didn't want help. After the bombshell of knowing was a tribute, I stopped Haymitch and told him I changed my mind, I didn't want to hear anymore. 

I'm laying in my bed, curled up into a ball on my side with the blankets up around my shoulders. I feel like my 3 year old self on a night where the lighting and thunder kept me awake and scared, and now I wish more than ever that my dad were here to tell me things would be okay. It's just to impossible to believe. I, Peeta Mellark, was a tribute in the 74th annual Hunger Games. I close my eyes tightly. Maybe this is all a dream. My nightmares seem so real all the time, so this must just be another nightmare. I hear the door to my room creak open, and then at least two people are entering and sitting down on the chairs opposite of my bed. They don't say anything, and that's what lets me know my brother and Haymitch are here. If it were anyone else, they either would have spoken right away, or left if they thought I was sleeping. I don't sit up and I don't look at them. I guess they couldn't take the hint that I'm done with the reminiscing. 

It stays that way, with no one moving or talking, for somewhere around an hour. I realize that they're not leaving, so I can pretend to be asleep for the next week and it won't matter- they are staying until I hear them out. I'm terrified. I'm so unbelievable anxious about what they'll tell me next. If I was a tribute, but I'm still alive, I must have done horrible things. I remember watching the games each year, watching the kids kill each other. They were all so desperate. Some though, some were just cold blooded killers. I swore that if I was ever reaped I would never turn into that. I would never let them change me into some killer- some inhuman murderer. I don't want them to tell me how I changed, how I just HAD to kill to survive. 

Katniss. We were both reaped? How is that friggin possible? We both won? That's never happened, has it? The curiosity is now building, and it's winning the battle against my fear. I want to know more..... But only a little more, I think. I sit up and turn to look at the people sitting before me. They're both watching me, concerned looks in their eyes, clearly wondering if they made the wrong decision. I shrug my shoulders at them, suddenly I'm embarrassed. I had asked for the truth and when I got my way I handled it like an asshole. I probably looked so pathetic sliding around the dark tiled floors, pushing the elevator button a million times before it opened. I had tears streaming down my face, and as my one surviving family member called out to offer his help, I turned him away like a petulant child. No, embarrassed isn't the word; I'm ashamed of myself. I'm stronger than this, and my father raised me better than this. My cheeks redden at the thought of my father witnessing the outburst I had. It's time to man up.

"I'm sorry," I start, "I don't know why I reacted as idiotically as I did. I asked for the truth and you obliged. It's not your fault I couldn't stomach it." I shake my head as I look at Rye who seems to just be relieved I'm talking.

"Peet, you're one of the strongest people I know, one of the strongest people in the world. What happened back in Haymitch's quarters was a glimpse into the past for me. It reminded me of how innocent and good you were when you were reaped. I'm sorry if I made the wrong decision in telling you. I just can't have you remembering snippets of time and drawing the wrong conclusion from them. We are going to tell you the bare minimum. From there you can decide if you want your memories or not."

I don't look away from his eyes, mostly because I don't want to look weak anymore. I don't want to BE weak anymore. It's all I've felt since I woke up here. "Just tell me," I state. "If it's something I can't handle I'll ask you to stop. But please don't protect me. Don't sugarcoat."

"Not in my nature boy," Haymitch snorts, and I believe him. "You were a tribute. For the first time in a long time, I was able to procure sponsors for both you and Katniss, albeit mostly Katniss. Yet the only reason I was able to do that for her, was because of you."

That surprises me. I know Katniss is a hunter, my dad constantly remarked on how good of a marksman she was. She was light, stealthy, beautiful; what could I have done to help her? Before I can ask, Rye answers my question.

"You told the world you loved her Peet," he whispers emphatically. "During your interview with Caesar Flickerman, you told everyone that you had a crush on her your whole life."

What!?!?! Holy shit.... My cheeks are bright red and I can't help but drop the strong man act and let my gaze fall to the floor. Why would I have done that! I was too nervous to even talk to her. What would I say? "Oh yea hey Katniss I've loved you my whole life and I think about you pretty much every day"? No fucking way. That's a secret I thought I had guarded pretty fiercely. 

"Why..." I stammer. "Why would I have said that during the interview?"

Rye starts to answer me, but Haymitch holds up his hand to stop him. He looks at me, leans forward, and has this look in his eyes like he is almost testing me. "Why do you think Peeta? It gave her an advantage. Why would you do that?" 

"Be... Because I do love her." I have tears in my eyes and I hate myself all over again. "She was always so strong, so beautiful. I- I felt that she deserved so much more than what she had in life. It wasn't fair... How hard things were for her. I saw her starving. It was cruel." I remember back to the day I threw some bread to her, hoping it would feed them for at least that night. I was always so ashamed I didn't hand it to her like a respectable human being. That just goes to prove the point Katniss was always out of my league. "She wasn't like anyone else," I continue. "She was never flighty, quick to trust, or quick to blame. In school when there was something she was interested, her face had this look of wonderment. I remember her smiling when we studied hummingbirds in grade school. She was fair to people, kind. I don't think she ever thought very much of herself, but to me...." I stop. I can't believe I've gone on about her this way out loud. 

"To you what?" Haymitch asks.

"To... To me," I lick my lips nervously. "To me she was every beautiful and wonderful thing the world had to offer. She gave me hope, that we could survive anything, and that beautiful things would always be present through all the ugly times. I- I know I would have wanted her to win.... To survive." My face is on fire now. Who talks like that? Ugh, where Katniss Everdeen is concerned I've always, ALWAYS, looked like a raving lunatic. I look up at the two men, and they don't look weirded out by my admissions, they look...... Happy? 

"That's what saved you both," Haymitch whispers as he puts his hands through his hair. "For the first time in history, the games let two people live, because your love for her riveted the entire nation. The star crossed lovers from district 12." He stops, and I can't believe it, but there are actual tears rolling down his face. 

"I never thought I'd see this Peeta again," he continues. "What you just said, is so similar to what you said me before your interview the first time. You wanted to save her. You wanted the world to see what you saw. It's good to see you again, the way you were." Though the tears still roll, there is a huge smile on his face. I can't help myself, and the corners of my mouth twitch upwards, as though I've just reminisced with an old friend. I guess that's what he is, even if I don't remember it.

"So.... We survived? As a team? As the star crossed lovers?" My heart starts to race. Lovers? So... Did she love me back?! It's almost too much to even consider. The prospect of it is so mind numbing I'm not sure if I can articulate the questions I have out loud.

Rye and Haymitch glance at each other, as if they're unsure of how to proceed. "No sugar coating!", I remind them. Rye looks back at me and he can't help but laugh softly at my words. When working in a bakery, everything was sugar coated, so we used to tell each other to stop sugar coating when we needed to talk serious. Even I can't suppress the minuscule grin that appears on my face.

"Katniss..." Haymitch starts. "She wasn't where you were. You have to understand, that Katniss had no idea you had feelings for her, so your admission, and then the way the citizens and game makers played off of it, was really confusing for her." He tries to read my reaction, but there is no reaction to be seen because what he is saying makes perfect sense to me. Who could have expected her to feel the way I did.

"I understand that, and I didn't expect anything different, really..." I stop. "It's just... You said star crossed lovers. I guess I thought that implied.... Something," I finish lamely.

"It did, you're not wrong," Rye interjects. "Katniss, realized what the storyline was that was being portrayed, and she played into it. She just didn't know it wasn't just a game plan for you; that you really had feelings for her." He sighs, and looks to Haymitch to finish off the story.

"At the end of your games, the game makers tried to renege on their earlier proclamation that two survivors could win if they came from the same district. It was your declaration of love, and your determination to save her that led them to play that card to begin with." The old man takes a deep breath, "Instead of killing each other, or you letting her kill you as that's what you were ready to do; you decided to die together by eating poison berries, so they would have no winner. So that the Capitol wouldn't win." 

His words have me stunned. Katniss and I did that?!? How did the Capitol let us get away with that? It spits in their face in front of the entire nation. 

"Did... Did we make them angry?" I ask dumbly.

"Yes," Rye answers strongly. "It started rebellions in the districts. People started rising up. The rest of the year, though you knew at that point that Katniss was unsure of her feelings, you both went on with the act to try to appease Snow, to try to dampen the fire of resistance you started. But you couldn't. The two of you kept speaking out at injustices, no matter how hard you tried not to. So...." He starts to whisper, "Snow tried to silence you, by putting you in the games again the next year."

What. In. The. Actual. Fuck 

"How could he do that!? Two games.... TWO GAMES! Rye? How did this happen? I don't remember... Oh my god I don't remember any of it!!!! Did I... I had to have.. I killed people right? How.. How am I still here?" I'm coming unraveled. This had been building, but the thought of being a tribute in one games was hard enough to swallow, but if I got enough citizens riled up that our own president saw it fit to have me enter ANOTHER games, I think it was a good idea to not give me my memories back. This isn't me! I don't start rebellions! 

"Yes, Peeta," Haymitch says as he gets up and sits at the end of my bed. "You killed people. Both you and Katniss did. This time you survived because the leaders of the rebellion ended the games prematurely. That's how this whole war started. I want you to know though... You and Katniss... The second games she was there with you. Loving you as much as you loved her. I need you to believe that. You saved each other over and over again."

I can barely breath, and my chest hurts so badly. "The bombing on 12?" I cry. "My fault? Was it my fault?" I'm sobbing hysterically now. My families death, all of these people's suffering was brought on by me.

"No!! God no Peeta! They were coming no matter what. Snows evil. It's not your fault for being the good that stood out so strongly against him."

The tears will not stop, and Haymitch has his hands on my shoulders trying to calm me down, finally a nurse comes in screaming out about how I shouldn't be this worked up and she shoots my arm with a syringe. I start to get hazy but before I close my eyes I look to my brother and ask, "Where is Katniss now?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Katniss is coming back next chapter


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The countdown is on until Katniss will finally put an end to Snow's government and his life. Unfortunately Katniss never seems to anticipate the inevitable- nothing ever goes according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh! Too long between updates on this one- I like to keep things rolling, but I hope it reads well! It's getting harder to keep it going...

Katniss' POV

 

I hate these tunnels. No, no let me rephrase; I ~~~~loathe these tunnels. First and foremost, there is about  6 inches of water that we are walking through. It's putrid, and reminds me all too much of my confinement in the Capitol. Every now and then, our flooded cell would be visited by an electrical rod that came down from the ceiling. The shocks were horrible, excruciating, breath taking. They only shocked one of us at a time, so the rest of us could hear and focus on the torment of the other. Once, Johanna fell face first into the water and didn't move. I screamed to her, Peeta screamed to her, and Annie sobbed- all three of us were begging her to get up, to breath. Soldiers came in and took her away. The next day they brought her back, but she never spoke again, and she only drank as much water as she needed to survive. She never touched her food, and never responded to us again. Eventually, I was the only one left who was physically able to respond or scream out to the others. I shiver, and try to put the memories out of my head, but I slowed to almost a stop and Finnick is now a good distance ahead of me. "Finnick," I call. "Wait."

He looks behind him and sees me quite a way back. He is surprised to see me so far behind, and I think he is upset he didn't notice sooner. We are, after all, supposed to watching out for each other down here in these hell tunnels. He quickly walks back to where I am, and when he reaches his hand up to my shoulder I jerk away from him. His eyebrows wrinkle and his mouth tightens into a firm line. I just don't feel okay down here, and I'm on the very edge. If I don't handle this well, I'll have a full blown flashback, and I know we can't afford that. I look at him apologetically, hoping he understands my response was nothing personal, it's just how I am now.

"Katniss don't go back there," he whispers, and I know he understands. "Stay here, with me, and we will get to Snow so you can end this. For Peeta, Annie, and Johanna." 

I don't look him in the eyes, because truth be told, I'm pissed off that I still have these reactions. It hasn't been that long I know, the doctors kept shoving that down my throat, but I've never been patient, and I haven't felt this weak since my family was starving to death in 12. I nod my head simply, and we carry on with our journey. 

We keep following the signs Lyme told us to look for, and finally after a couple hours roaming around in what felt like circles, we find the stairway up to the surface. Finnick says he will go first to make sure everything is on the up and up, sonin stay at the base and wait for him to tell me it's safe to come up. When he peeks his head back through and waves me up, he has a smile on his face, so I climb up, trying to keep my gear from getting in my way. When I finally get all the way out onto the surface, I see a small truck, and in it are three soldiers. I knew we were meeting two sharpshooters but the third soldier surprises me. Then I see his face and the relief I feel is immediate- Gale. 

I don't run into his arms or anything like Trthat, I've never been one for hugging, but I smile at him and he smiles back- we know what we mean to each other so there's no need for any extra displays of affection. Finnick and I load our gear, and then ourselves into the truck and we start off.

"Soldier Everdeen, Soldier Odair, nice to meet you. I'm Sergeant Trayal." The woman in front of us has a deeper voice, even though she seems slight in stature. She has white blonde hair that's dirty and tied back, her face is freckled and tan, and her eyes are a shocking shade of violet. I almost think she must have come from the Capitol so I'm not sure how I feel about her.

"Driving is PFC Prache. He is one of the best special combat soldiers we have.... Next to me," she smiles. Finnick smiles back, but I remain unchanged. She senses my hesitation and continues. "Lyme has 4 special ops groups meeting in one days time in District 4, Boggs is leading one, I lead our group here, and Lieutenant Holmes and Sacchio have the others. Boggs will take command over all when we meet, and I'll be his second in command." She looks at me, and I can see the challenge in her unnatural eyes. She wants me to know that I answer to her. "This mission isn't one any of us accepted lightly, to fail is to die, and we know that," she continued. "None of us have gotten where we are without sacrifice, and all of us believe it's worth our lives for a better Panem." 

Yea, no. I've kind of had it now. It all sounds great, she is saying all the right things, but I don't believe her. "Where are you from?" I can't help but ask.

"The Capitol." She says firmly, daring me to push further. She doesn't know me well I suppose, so I push. 

"So why are you here? None of us need the pep talk with the propaganda type selling points. We KNOW who the enemy is. Do you?" I realize I'm toeing a very fine line here, but the politicized emotional rants are grating on every fiber of my being. Snow and Coin are inhuman pieces of shit. Case closed, done deal. Who better than Finnick, Gale, and myself know why we are here?

Trayal's eyes look right into mine, but I don't see the anger I expected. I see amusement. She purses her lips, raises her eyebrows, and cocks her head while taking me all in, sizing me up. She sighs deeply and actually laughs.... I'm confused.

"You're a real asshole you know that?" A few moments pass by, and I can tell she is tickled pink by the surprise that reads all over my face. I have to admit, I admire her for being the only person to have ever called me that to my face. I've known I'm an asshole for a long time, it always bothered me that ther people wouldn't just come out and say it. Instead, they always made excuses for me. She continues, "You don't have to have been a tribute to understand what evil is. To feel what cruelty is. Did you think you were the only one? Time to grow up Katniss. You're not the only one who has been hurt."

Maybe a normal person would have reflected on her words, and understood the merit behind them, but not me. My nostrils flare as I think of every curse word I want to throw at her. I have NEVER considered myself to act the part of a martyr, and I've never thought that I alone have had a hard life. What she is insinuating has me enraged. I've been blaming myself for hurting others, not throwing a pity party for myself. And if she had the time, money, and state of mind, to decide she wanted to make her eyes pretty and purple, I don't think she should assume she has the right to lecture me on my moral judgement.

Instead of hurling verbal insults back to her, I start running my hand up the length of the string on my bow. I pull it back slightly, and let it snap forward. I don't look at Trayal at all, but I feel her eyes on me. I glance up at Gale and he is smirking at no one in particular, but when I look at Finnick, I'm surprised to see contempt. There's a warning in his eyes, and I trust him, but its hard for me to calm down. He wasn't just insulted, so sure it's easy for him to be all noble. I sigh as I decide to simmer down for Finnicks sake. I look up to see Trayal eyeing my bow carefully. I click my tongue and she looks into my eyes, but there isn't a hint of trepidation or fear there- just ice. "Okay then. Your assessment of me is way off," I sneak in, "but I'm here. Let me know the what, when, and where's." I salute her and give her my most pleasant fake smile. I can tell her opinion of me is still shit, but whatever.

=============

The truck blew a tire. We are heading into four from the north, so we are currently at the border of four and seven. We ran over a piece of metal debris that was leftover from the battles here. Seven was practically unrecognizable from the lush green landscape that was here when Peeta and I came through on our victory tour. Gone is the scent of pine needles and moss; they have been replaced by the torrid smell of ash and sulfur. It's yet another cold reminder of the loss this country has endured at the hands of two morally challenged dictators. Prache had told us that surprisingly, by retreating into boats that stayed just off the coast, most of the population of seven survived. My eyes widened trying to comprehend how this desolated district could possibly have survivors. They moved to four, leaving behind only the memories of seven, because that really is all that remains.  

Gale is working on the tire, and Prache and Trayal are going over the interactive map. I'm sitting on a rock not too far away, and Finnick is sitting beside me. 

"Katniss," he starts, and I sigh in relief because it's been painfully obvious that he has wanted to get something off his chest for the past few hours. I look at him and nod for him to continue. "Listen to me. I need you to stop. I need you to play nice." I snicker at him, I thought he knew me better than that. It's not that I try to cause problems, I just call things like I see them. 

I startle when he turns and looks me square in the eyes- he is pissed. What the hell, I think. I was a bitch to Trayal for like two seconds! I'm about to tell him to get over it, but he stops me. "Katniss what the fuck did you think you were doing? What message were you sending to Trayal when you handled your bow in front of her? Because to me, it looked like you were assuring her you had no problem killing her if you so desired!!!" He is forcing himself to whisper, but I know if he could he would be screaming at the top of his lungs. "Just stop! You're not in the games- so if you want to keep playing up that you're a murderer, and in turn put your life in danger even more than it already fucking is, then I can't stand beside you. I can't lose you too. I can't let them win what's left of you- what's left of us." 

I'm frozen. My mouth hangs open, and he turns his gaze back to the charred remains of a building in front of us. I think back- what message was I trying to give Trayal when I messed with my bow? I ponder for only a few seconds when the truth hits me so hard I can't breath. Finnick was right- I threatened to kill her. Oh my god, oh my god- I try to keep my face neutral, but I can feel the tears start rolling down my face. I feel such shame- I've become what Snow always wanted me to become- I've apparently resigned myself to the fact that I'm a killer, with very little regard for anyone's life, especially if they stand in the way of something I'm trying to reach. I could have disagreed with our commander without threatening her, but I took it one step further. I angrily wipe the tears away, and my mind drifts to thoughts of Peeta. In that moment, I know it's for the best that we didn't remind him of all the horrors, because if he was here now, I can't imagine he could have any love for the shell of a girl that sits here now. He was always too good for me- the games changed me, not him. His goodness was always so clear, untainted. I'm not sure if I ever really had goodness within me. These realizations leave me completely heartbroken. My mother, father, Prim, and Peeta, would be horrified by me.

Finnick looks back to me, and I know he sees that I've recognized the truth in his words. His face softens, and I don't recoil when he embraces me. I let my head rest against his shoulder while the tears continue to silently fall. "We can come back from this Katniss," he whispers. "They haven't won everything yet. We can- we can all come back from this. Just hold on... Hold on." I look up at him, and he nods at me with a small, affirming smirk on his face. I nod back, and the hope the he is radiating towards me forces a smile to my face. If anyone should be broken, it's Finnick. But he is still here, fighting to keep every ounce left of himself that he can, fighting to get back to a damaged girl who needs him to rebuild her. If he can do this, I have no excuse not to. I nod to let him know I'll work on my approach to things. I could say something sappy and reassuring to him, but it would probably sound disingenuous coming from my mouth. I see Gales finished with the tire, so I go to reload the truck and get ready for the rest of our trip. A few hours, that's all we have left and then our whole unit will be together and ready to take on our mission. I'm terrified. Not because I don't think I can carry it out, but because once it's done I'm not sure what will be left of me. How does this Katniss live in a world without Snow? What life is waiting for me.... Or will there even be a life for me to have?

===================== . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd so love to hear people's comments! Advice, critiques, ect ect. This section is going to be longer than 'Caged'


	6. Chapter 6

Katniss POV

 

Its late, and the overcast sky seems devoid of the stars that might have lit our way. So instead, we move in nearly total darkness to our meeting spot. Trayal has on these special glasses so she can guide us and spot anything that may hold us up. The air is what is keeping me awake right now. It is just so amazingly perfect against my skin, refreshing and invigorating. The smell is so different than 12, and infinitely better than the stale air of 13. I can't really make out Finnicks face, but I can hear the deep luxurious breaths he takes, and I know that aside from the pain of knowing none of his family exist here anymore, he still has beautiful memories of his home. I can understand, no matter what has happened in 12, it's my home, and the forest will always bring out the best parts of me.

Trayal snaps her fingers twice, and we stop and lower to the ground, weapons up, waiting for any signal. We hear 5 low tone beeps from not too far, and Trayal immediately motions for us to lower our weapons. It can only mean that we have finally met up with the rest of our squad. Our group hurries to meet up with our signalers, and I can make out the build of a large and broad man. It doesn't take me but a second to know we have Boggs in our midst again. Something's about him, from the very beginning, has always brought me to respect and trust him. Seeing him here, well, it's the best I've felt about anything in days. The rest of our group quietly mingles in with the others, and by the shear size of our group I realize we are the final troop to arrive. Trayal and Prache smile and nod familiarly to a few others that they know, but aside from Boggs and Cressida, I'm don't recognize any of the other soldiers with us now. The one thing that surprises, and then delights me, is that everyone looks okay. No one looks worse for the wear, and that gives me tremendous hope. We will have a strong and healthy unit going into this mission. That's really all anybody could ever ask for.

Our leader motions us forward, and we move cautiously towards an unkempt deserted home, and quickly descend into the basement. A few of our team pull out lanterns that give off the faintest amount of light, but it's all we really need. I open up my pack that has canned food and distribute it to the rest. There are 15 of us. Our group of 5 was the largest, and I realize that was probably for my protection. Small conversations start, mostly people introducing themselves or asking about the journeys we all took. The tone in generally relaxed, though people rotate in and out of the house for guard duty. 

Once we are all completely satiated from our meal, Boggs moves to the center of the room and motions for all of us to come near. He puts a small device on the floor, and from it holographic images appear. It's clearly a map of the surrounding area, but there are so many markers that my tired mind confuses easily while looking at it.

"I can't stress enough how happy it makes me that we all are here," Boggs smiles. His teeth are so white they stand out so strongly against his already dark skin that's covered in mud. It's a handsome smile. "This mission, has a feeling of destiny to it, but also great uncertainty. We are rougue. I want to make it very clear that there are no backup plans. No backup troops we can call. We have this one shot. It's as unorganized and risky as any military effort could ever be. But we believe." He stops here, and I know the rest of the soldiers trust his words. 

I'm leaning against a beam, slightly further away from the rest of the group. I'm taking everything in. I remember seeing a few around 13, and a few in 2 once we landed. I look to my right when I really notice her, the woman from the hovercraft who kissed the picture of her kids. Here she is, ready to risk her life. My heart pangs in my chest. I feel so many emotions to this stranger of a woman. Fear, that she may not make it; Anger, that she left her kids to begin with; Admiration, for the strength and resolve she shows. Ugh. I can't help it. I add her to the list of people I need to come out of this alive. 

"Coin and Snow meet in just under 2 days time," Boggs continues. "They will meet in the military compound that's attached to four's old justice building. It's a very well secured location. Snow- and Coin- have seen to it that every measure of.... Safety... Has been available to them." Boggs shakes his head as he bends down and messes with his holographic device. Extra images pop up, with magnified views of specific areas. We are all leaning forward, trying to get a better glimpse of the image so we can try to understand everything we see. 

"Pods", Boggs whispers.

I just sigh and shake my head. Of course! Of course there would be pods! It's just like the arenas. I see Finnick nod his head in acknowledgement of what we both know. Most of the other soldiers seem aware of what pods mean as well. 

"We think we can get in undetected to a certain point. But once a pod is activated, Snow and Coin will know they're in danger. There is no way to get through this labyrinth without activation, so the plan is simple. Go undetected for as long as we can, set ourselves up, and take them out. Some of you will be stationed along possible exit routes our two presidents may take. A core group of us will go into the compound and try to take them out that way, out of the publics eye. And the last few will go to an airbase to destroy their hovercrafts if they get that close to escape." He takes a deep breath. "We will scope out the area in the morning, see where our best vantage points should be, and then at night we go. Katniss, Finnick, Trayal, Gale, Cressida, and myself go for the compound. Prache, Galver, Kinnsing, Franklin, and Rodlier will find sharp shooter vantage point around the main exits of the building, and the rest of you will follow Commander Jopper to the airbase. For now, sleep. We will need it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few hours later I'm still awake staring at the ceiling when Gale lays down next to me after returning from watch. I give him a small smile as he props himself up on an elbow to look at me. After everything, he still looks so strong. 

"Hey Catnip," he whispers.

"Hey", I say back.

We stay there like that for awhile. Quietly trying to not focus too much on the future, trying to read each other's thoughts. He reaches forward after a while, and pulls the strands of my hair covering my face off to the side. It's comforting, feeling his touch, but in an instant my mind drifts to the thoughts of Peeta's touch, and what his strong hands made me feel whenever they touched any part of me. I instinctively move out of reach of Gales hand. He lets his arm drop to the ground emphatically, and rolls to his back laughing to himself. "Ugh, Katniss, you'll never be mine. I think I know that now."

I freeze. I never know how to react when Gale talks this way. I stay still for a moment, and then quickly Gale has flipped himself back up and he is practically on top of me. As much as I know Gale wouldn't hurt me, his proximity to me brings up bad memories and I start to shake. 

"Shhhhh, shhh Katniss. I'm sorry. I know better", he says and he backs away. "I love you, and it's okay that you don't feel that way back. Really, it's okay. Just know I love you, and I've got your back. No matter what. Peeta, what happened to him, what he did for you, what you did for him- I get it. I promise I do. I don't like it," he laughs, "but I understand. I'm here because I hate them, the capitolites. I hate them Katniss, and I'm here to kill the worst of the worst, and protect you so you can finally get what you deserve. You're gonna be okay." 

I start to cry and I let myself roll into him. He holds me close, but not too tightly since he knows I run away from being too close to anyone. But this release feels good. This cry doesn't distress me like others have, it just seems like it's preparing me. After a while we fall asleep like that, but I can't help wishing that it was Peeta's arms I was wrapped in instead of Gale's.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

We've scouted out everything we can. Our packs are ready to go, we have gone over our directives countless times. We are ready to go.

Over half of our troop goes out to their posts outside the compound, and at the airbase. That leaves our group of 6. Boggs goes over our operative one more time, he assures us we can do this, and then we are off, headed toward the compound that seems to house a million and 1 ways we could die. Probably not great to dwell on that though, so I think on something much healthier- how much I hate president snow. Ha, very healthy indeed.

I feel steady today. My breathing is even and assured, and the tenseness I've felt in my muscles just isn't there anymore. I think that finally coming to this time and place, with this purpose, is letting me feel peace. Im about to do what I've wanted to do, dreamed of doing, for a long time. When this is over, and Paylor takes over, we all may have an actual shot at a life free of tyranny.

An hour later we get to the sewer entrance. It's been cleared, and is so old, most people forget it still connects to the military buildings. It's our best shot at an undetected entry. So once again I have to maneuver my way through a disgusting old sewer. Ugh- it will be nice when I don't have to stomp through centuries of old shit. There's a splash behind me, and I turn to see Finnick on his hands and knees in the old water and muck.

"Well that's just fucking PERFECT!!" He shouts as he tries to stand back up. His hands are covered in God knows what and his pants are soaked. It's impossible, I lose my shit and try to muffle the sounds of my laughter in the crook of my arm!! Ah, it never gets old seeing the pretty boy get unpretty ☺️

"Don't you laugh Everdeen, or I'll wipe all this crap all over you," he threatens, "Ugh, now I'm gonna smell like this the whole damn time."

Everyone is chuckling now, even Trayal, but Boggs puts his hand out signaling us to keep it down. We are, after all, supposed to be being stealthy. 

We make it to the compound, and enter unnoticed. But that doesn't last for long.

Boggs knows where Snow is, so we make our way, but an unmarked pod goes off. Trayal must have activated it because before you know it she is lifted off the ground and pressed against the ceiling. We freeze, completely unsure of what it is we should do. I'm losing my breath, my heart rate betraying the fear I feel, what's going to happen next?? Unfortunately I get my answer. A metal spike pushes down from the ceiling, and pushes right through Trayal's thigh.

"No-oooo!" She cries, but she bites down on her tongue as blood drips out of her mouth. Finnick grabs a nearby pipe and scales it until he is within arms reach. "Trayal!!!!" he yells, "We're gonna getcha... Just hold on..." Boggs is scaling the pipe on the opposite side, the rest of us just waiting on an order, some directive on how we can help. It's all for naught. Just as Boggs reaches her, three more spikes push through Trayal's small body; through her other thigh, and through both arms. 

Finnick and Boggs freeze, totally unsure of how to proceed, and that's when we hear it, a horrifying sound that sounds unlike any living creature I have ever known. I look back up to my superior who I gave such a hard time, her violet eyes dropping tears down on my face. "Go", she whispers. Then, when none of us move she screams, "GO! Get out! Run, GO!!!" 

We hear some sort of mutt pounding down through the hall, and I have to practically drag Finnick back down the wall so we can move out, I shove him in front of me and take one last look at the woman we are leaving behind. She is nodding at us, and offers me a smile, allowing us the gift of her acceptance and forgiveness. "I'm sorry!", I cry out to her. "I'm so so sorry." She winces in pain as another spike pushes through her hip. I don't know how she isn't screaming in agony. She opens her eyes, and locks them on mine again. "For my Mockingjay," she whispers, "For my Panem." With that we take off at full speed leaving her behind, and a few minutes later we hear the monsters growl again, and Trayal's final scream.

We keep running, Boggs leading us through the halls until we get to a ladder to take us through the air shafts. We are climbing as quick as we can, but we can hear the beast catching up to us at an alarming speed. Finnick takes up the rear, and as he is finally ascending he screams and drops back down, barely holding onto the ladder. "Auughhh... Katniss, Katniss go, go!" 

"Finnick don't you fucking dare- hold on!" I scream, and I try to drop down the ladder to get a better shot off on his attacker when a pair of hands haul me back up. "We have to move Katniss, you gotta leave him."

I take only a single moment to stare at Gale in absolute disbelief. The only way I leave Finnick here is if I'm left with him. I push Gale off of me and drop back down. Finnick has fallen completely down to the floor now, fighting off what looks to be some modified bear with an enormous mouth full of dozens of razor sharp teeth. There's blood dripping down his jaw so I know he got Finnick somewhere, but there's no time to think of that because I got to get a shot off about five minutes ago. Boggs has scaled back down and shot the beast in its shoulder which causes him to pull up. I take my moment. I slid underneath the monster and let my arrow fly straight into his neck. I roll out of the way as it smashes down, and twitches on the ground. I get to Finnick only a second before Boggs does. "Finnick! Fin, it's alright, where did he get you?" We stop as we hear another growl from somewhere not too far away. "No time," growls Boggs. "I'll get him up the ladder, Katniss take up the rear."

Boggs throws Finnick over his shoulder like he weighs little more than a rucksack and flies up the ladder. My bow is back on my back and have my gun out and ready, but it isn't needed as we are all now shapely in the duct work. Boggs moves back to the opening and throws a canister down into the hall. He closes the vent, and we can hear four small beeps before a long hiss. Everything goes quiet. 

<><><><><><><><>

We all take a moment to catch our breath. Cressida is wrapping Finnicks calf, and it looks like a very shallow wound. He is going to be okay, and I can't help but smile and rest my hand on his shoulder. He grasps my hand in his, closes his eyes, and I know he is thinking how close he came to death... Again. Boggs is looking at the hologram, and looks deep in thought. "What was the canister," I ask. He looks up, brought back out of his own mind. "Erasing mist," he mutters. "It knocks out anything and everything, while at the same time getting rid of human scent, DNA, heat signatures, and more so that there is no distinguishable trail. With Trayal being left behind, with no information on her, I think they may actually assume she was just an unlucky guard. No other alarms have been set off, I dont think they really believe there's a group of us here."

All of us look at him in disbelief. That's an enormous amount of luck. I thought for sure we had been identified. Cressida said earlier that she supplied fake footage of me, Finnick, and Boggs in two so that both presidents believed our whereabouts, and I don't doubt that's partly why no alarm has been set off; they think they know where everyone is.

"Move out," Boggs commands. "Through these shafts take us to the great hall where this meeting is taking place. We are making good time."

We move quickly in case someone does end up checking to see what happened back in that hell hallway, and we get to our final destination. 

"Alright. In 5 hours it's go time, try to rest, because if we pull this off, we are gonna have to run like the devil if we want a chance to enjoy the new world we are creating."

I lean back, and Finnick has already laid out and only wincing slightly at the pain in his leg. Boggs, Cressida, and Gale have all rested their heads back trying to even out their breathing. My eyes are wide open, my heart racing. I'm counting down the seconds until I watch the light in Snows eyes go out. I send out a silent thought to Peeta as well, that no one will ever hurt him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm gonna step away from this one for a while. Having such a hard time with writers block. Keep coming up with ideas in no way relevant to this story


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She didn't see this coming... And it almost causes her to abandon her promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously- I had awful writers block and thought this story may end- but then I dreamed all this awesome stuff, so here it is!!!!!

Katniss POV

Time goes by and I have a serious case of ants in my pants. We are cramped up in an air duct just waiting to kill the two people I hate the most. I hate the waiting. Especially when there is absolutely nothing to distract myself with. Boggs commands Gale and Cressida to crawl to the duct on the ther side of this great room, so we would have more space covered when the time came. I don't look at Gale when he leaves, though I feel his eyes on me expecting at least a goodbye. I say nothing. He was willing to leave Finnick behind; without even trying to save him. Finnick had barely been scratched and Gale gave up on him. What's worse, is that when Boggs and I went down to finish the mutt, Gale stayed put. He didn't come to our aid. He just waited to see who would live and then go forth with him to the endgame. It was a cold and heartless choice. There has always been that side to him, if he isn't personally invested in your life he wouldn't risk his. I always understood that part of him, because in honesty that's how I've been my whole life too; but we are supposed to be a team here. He knew how much Finnick means to me. In this new world we want, we have to be better than the people we were before. We have to care about EVERYONES life. Gale had no problem leaving Trayal either, and I think my soul and mind have been too damaged, and my heart has hurt too much to carry on like Gale is now- I realize I'm outgrowing him.

Once they're gone my mind drifts to Peeta. He would have tried to save Trayal until the very last breath she took, and he would have done anything to pull Finnick out of danger. That goodness he has, the love and kindness it takes, that's what I want to grow into. I'm learning that what I once thought was Peeta weakness, is actually his humanity, and only when you have that on your side can you truly be strong. After this, after we do what we came here for, I don't want to be a soldier ever again. Victor, tribute, soldier, Mockingjay- all of these words will have no place in my life after today. I want to find my place in this world, with my humanity at the forefront.

Boggs taps a button on the lenses he wears, and I know he is looking at the Intel the rest of us aren't privy to. He nods his head, and breaths deeply. His lips are pressed into a thin line, and he closes his eyes. I watch him, and for the first time I think about him as a man, and not my commander. Does he have family? Is he leaving someone behind? Or did someone he loves leave him behind? My eyes drop down to the ground ashamed I had t thought of those things sooner. He just seemed too strong to be human at times. When my eyes lift back up, I see his dark brown ones locked on me. I shift uncomfortably at his intense gaze, my eyes dart around but when they inevitably come back to Boggs, I see his eyes haven't focused on anything else but me. "Boggs," I say, trying to sound indifferent but my shaky voice gives me away in an instant. "Okay, you're freaking me out!" He stares at me a few seconds more before he closes his eyes again and he pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "Katniss," he whispers. Though quiet I can hear pain in his voice, and I sit up a little straighter, nervousness settling in the pit of my stomach. "Katniss, something's happened."

CRACK!!!!! 

Before Boggs can continue, we hear the door to the hall open and slam shut. Each of us quietly get into position. Weapons are out, held in just enough so no one can see them, and Boggs activates a sound cube that absorbs every sound we make so nothing we do or say will give us or our positions away.

I look down and my heart leaps into my throat, and it's all I can do to not jump out of my skin- Snow is here.

"When is that delightful woman, Coin, going to be here," he asks while walking to a table that is set up with two chairs. He has three bodyguards with him. I look across to the opposite duct, and I can barely make him out but I see Gale with one hand on his earpiece waiting for Boggs' signal.

"We have a visual on her at all times, she just left her quarters and will be here in the next ten minutes"

"Wonderful," he mutters sarcastically. He sits in the chair and pulls out a vial of some sort, drinking back some black liquid. "Agh," he groans. "Disgusting, but I can't appear strong whilst I have blood pouring out of my mouth," he chuckles, as if his ailment is nothing but some funny story. Suddenly, he looks up, and even though I know he can neither see or hear us, I hold my breath and start to sweat. "Hmm," he hums, "Have you cleared every aspect of the floor? Did you find out who that woman was that set off the pod?" I knew Snow was no dummy. His suspicion is warranted, and I smile to myself when I think of how he seems to be squirming. 

"All areas have been swept and cleared. She was a radical gaurd, but had no position and no team with her. We have suspected that she was in charge of looking for an escape route for Coin, should she try to run, and found the pod instead," his gaurd replies. Snow sways his head while chuckling to himself, and an anger flares up in me that Trayal's death amuses him so. I can see him laughing as the weaker children were killed off one by one in the hunger games that he loved so much.

"Alright then, let's hope Coin brings her end of the deal, and we can finally be on our way." Something about the way my dear president says that rubs me the wrong way, and my intuition is telling me that it has something to do with what Boggs was trying to tell me earlier.

My eyes go back to the entrance because Coin has just entered with a security detail of her own. Maybe we just need to sit back and let these two finish each other off, I think. Crazier things have happened, right? 

She walks assuredly to the table and sits down on the opposite side of Snow. "Coriolanus," she states, "No pleasantries, just business. You need to be gone, all of your top advisors will be executed, you may keep a security detail, and I will watch you personally dismantle the pods weapon program. Don't think I don't know you'd blow me up before ever willingly walking away from the throne." 

Ugh, she used the word throne. If that's not an indicator this woman is Snow's twin sister I don't know what is. Boggs lifts his hand in the air, and mutters something so quietly to Gale, and we lift our weapons into position. All we are waiting on now is the word "fire". 

"No class. To run a nation, you'll have to work on your approach Coin. I suppose it doesn't matter, you'll never fool anyone," Snow says condescendingly. "Anyway, so we can be on our way, where is the boy?"

"Why do you want him so badly? It garuntees that she will come looking for you," Coin questions.

"Ah, I think Miss Everdeen will come looking for me no matter what happens, at least with him I will have something to bargain with, something to slow her down, or distract her."

My head whips back to look at Boggs, and I send him a look that very carefully conveys how much I'm starting to lose it. He just looks at me sadly, and that there confirms what I already know.

Like clockwork the door opens again, and there he is. Peeta is bound and gagged, and limping on a weak prosthetic up to the table. 

<><><><><><><><>

Finnick has his hand over my mouth in an instant and is holding me back from throwing myself out of these ducts. I'm shaking, and Finnicks voice is softly saying something in my ear, but I don't have the ability to focus on what words are actually being said. How did Haymitch let this happen!?!?!?! He was supposed to be watching out for him back in 13, yet here we are again. If I ever see Haymitch again I'm going to kill him.

Boggs looks at me, and I know that he got Intel about Peeta's recapture, so I see the sadness and pity on his face. He nods at me though, and motions to all of us, and Gale and Cressida across the way. I know he is silently reassuring me that this is all going to be okay. We are here to take Peeta home again, and we are not leaving without him. My breathing slows, and Finnick cautiously loosens his grip. I reset myself and see that Peeta is at the front of the table now.

"Ah, Mr. Mellark. It's so good to see you again," Snow says delightfully. "I know we have set up living conditions for you like the ones you most recently enjoyed while in the Capitol." 

Peeta just stares at him, his eyes narrowed and a scowl on his face. He doesn't remember anything about that time, so Snow's references mean nothing to him. They mean something to me though, and I bite my lip hard. 

Snows security detail is moving back to the entrance, and Coins team follows. This is our best shot. Boggs knows it, and he says something to Gale through his communicator. I pull back my bow, and I can see Gale set up his gun. 

"Get set, ready," Boggs whispers, and I smile. "Fire."

My arrow flies, and I watch as it buries itself in the middle of Coin's neck. She goes down, and my nostrils flare at the joy I feel at her death. Unfortunately, Gales shot only grazes Snow's shoulder, and by the time he shoots another one off Snow has already dropped to the ground and the security details are running back and firing shots in every direction. 

"Drop now!" Boggs shouts, and we finally push through the vents and drop to the ground. Finnick immediately is back in his feet and has already taken out a gaurd with his trident. I go towards Snow, and one of his security team tackles me to the ground. My bow goes flying and the dagger I had was knocked loose too. I fight with this gaurd though he has a strong hold on me. His own weapon is lost and he wraps his arms around my neck tightly. I try to kick and push and thrash as much as I can but within seconds I can feel myself slipping away. I reach my arms back and desperately try to scratch at my death dealer, but his head is buried in my neck and I can't reach it. My movements slow, and I can hear everyone fighting their own battles as my head goes dizzy. I can't believe this is it....

As I try to make final peace, my attacker suddenly screams out and his arms loosen from around my neck. I manage to scoot away, but the whole experience has left me dazed and weak. I barely have the strength to look behind me, but when I do, I see Peeta on top of the gaurd with my dagger pushed deep into his back. The man tries to buck Peeta off of him, but his entire body goes limp and Peeta twists the knife against his spine. I'm forcing myself to move back and get out of the way because I'm a liability at the moment as I still can't seem to catch my breath.

Gale and Cressida have dropped and are fighting with the team that was originally Coin's. After a few shots go off, one of her men go down- but so does Cressida. She took a bullet to her abdomen it seems as she clutches at her stomach that's quickly pouring obscene amounts of blood. She drops to her knees and find that I'm frozen where I lay. I want to scream to her, to crawl to her, but I don't move. Gale is preoccupied with the other guards, and doesn't notice his partner went down. She looks around, desperate for help from someone who can save her, but no one is there who can. Her eyes meet mine, and we both have tears running down our faces. It's the sadness from those tears that snap me out of my paralysis and I find the strength to crawl to her. 

Not surprisigly, Peeta gets there first. He wraps her in his arms as he lays her down, and as I reach them I hear him whispering to her. "Shh, shh it's okay, it's okay. No one is leaving you here," he says. "I'm Peeta, what's your name?" 

Cressida looks up at him and realized that he doesn't know that of course she knows who he is, she has watched him the past two years. A weak smile crosses her face, "Cressida", she says, and one can see the immense effort it takes for her to mutter her name. 

"Cressida," Peeta repeats back to her. "That's a beautiful name. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry for this. I need to move you a bit." With that he slowly and gently moves her to the side, out of the way. My attention snaps back to the fight still going on, and I see there is no fight left. The guards are dead, Finnick is panting, and Gale is holding his gun up to Snows head and has a wicked smile on his face. 

"Gale!!!! Don't shoot! More guards will be coming, Paylors team should have most of them taken care of, but we need to get out, and having him alive will help us!" Boggs shouts out. "Cuff him and we move out now!" 

Gale does as he is commanded, and Snow looks almost entertained at everything that has played out before him. He stands up and we gather up any and all weapons before we start to run out. I then look back to Peeta. Cressida is dead in his arms.

Its a look I never wanted to see again, the pain in Peeta's eyes as he faces murder and death all over again. He is covered in her blood, and all I can see is the boy who was so good and so innocent, and should have never been in the games to begin with. He is losing his innocence all over again, the second chance I hoped he would get has been lost. 

"Peeta," I whisper, "Peeta we need to leave." 

He stares up at me and he tries to stand up holding onto Cressida's body. "Leave her," Gale exclaims. "She would understand." Peeta looks down at her again, our lifeless team members eyes staring back into his. "I don't," Peeta cries, "I don't understand." Tears start to form in his eyes, and it's all I can do to not run over to him and console him. I can help him once he is safe, and we are not yet safe here.

"Move out!" Boggs cries! "We take the open way so there is no risk of pods. We will get to the air strip and board the hovercraft to head back to 2. Lyme will be there." 

We all run. Gale is pushing Snow in front of him, and Snow willingly is going along. We pick up our pace as we hear soldiers running down one of the hallways. We blow past confused individuals, cameramen, guards, politicians; who clearly have no idea why Snow is running away with us whilst he is all banged up and bloody. We get outside and immediately are on track to the air base.

I take another moment to look back at Peeta, and Finnick is helping him keep up on his prosthetic. Peeta's eyes are on me though. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what he is thinking. He has questions for me, and he is determined to get he andwers.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peeta and Katniss reunite
> 
> I've enjoyed the life he story has taken on. We are about 4 chapters away from the end

We did it. 

I can't believe it, but it's true. We have killed Coin, and captured Snow. As we sit here in 2, Paylor is addressing the nation. All of 13's higher ups are rallying behind her. The capitolites that haven't been arrested would be foolish to fight back. The war, the rebellion, it's all over now. 

I leave the headquarters building where everyone is hooting and hollering, and find myself walking in the direction that I feel is the most quiet. There are many broken down buildings, and small fires that will rage on for a while, but eventually there is a clearing. When I walk into it, I see a huge and flat expanse of land. There are no rolling hills, or the thick shade of the forest, but there is a soft and subtle beauty here with the tall green grasses that seem to shudder in the wind, or the calls of birds huddled together in the few trees that seem to spring up here and there. The air feels fresh, without the underlying scent of smoke and sulfur. I take a few deep breaths and the air feels cool going into my nose and filling my lungs. A strong wind comes through, and I turn to face it. I hold my arms out, let my head fall back, and let the gusts of air flow over and around me. It blows my hair, once damp with the sweat of battle and fear, dry; and I feel my skin come alive as chills run through me. I walk into the wind, enjoying the way the pressure makes it seem like the air is hugging my body, and I almost don't need to breath on my own as it rushes in and out of my lungs for me.

The breeze dies down, and instead of the sounds of it whooshing around me, I hear something fainter. I open my eyes and look around for the source, and I see maybe a mile in front of me the land seems to drop off and there is a smattering of tall willow trees, and beyond that the start of a small forest. I lazily walk towards it, feeling immense relief that for once, I know there is no where I have to be, and nothing else I need to be doing. Within minutes I come to the willows, and my hunch that a stream must be there is proven to be true. A flowing stream, with clear water running over rocks and boulders. I scan over it, and I see there is a large part of it that seems to be about 4 feet deep. It probably isn't the warmest day for this, but I want to wash off every last remaining bit of war. I strip out of my uniform, peeling the remains of it off gently so I don't ruin what's left and I throw it into the brook. I then follow and submerse myself into the cool water. It's cold, that's for sure, but when I come back up the sun is so warm that it all balances out. I let my clothes soak, and I scrub them out as best I can before I lay them on a nearby rock to dry. I know I can't stay long, but I want to luxuriate in this for as long as I can. 

Being able to hear animals again is soul enriching. For so long all I heard were terrible, awful noises. A small pit land in my stomach as a few select horrifying memories come to mind, so I dunk under the water again so the cold will shock me out of my own thoughts. I come back up and dunk back under again, feeling the current push over me. I love this feeling and since I can hold my breath for a long time I let my hands reach out and let myself float, trying to be weightless, like nothing ties me to this earth anymore.

My peaceful moment is ruined when I feel a strong wave a hand on my shoulder. I jump nearly ten feet out of the water and get ready for an assault. It doesn't come, because when I can focus again I see Peeta standing in the water with his hands extended out to show he means no harm.

"Peeta! Wha... What are you doing here?" I scream.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it's just I saw you and the way you were floating it looked like you weren't conscious," Peeta tries to explain, "I... I honestly just got scared. I didn't mean to scare you in turn."

"Ugh...just... UGH! I was TRYING to float in the water! For once I was just trying to enjoy something on MY terms!!!!"

He looks at me with this sad expression, as if he hates that he has upset me, and that makes me even more upset because when I finally did talk to Peeta I sure as shit didn't want to do it practically naked, wet, cold, and annoyed as hell. I wring my hair out and turn my back to him. I still have on a tight fitting tank and shorts, so I'm not too worried about that, albeit I'm not thrilled either. I take a few deep breaths and try to calm myself down. The last thing I want to do is push Peeta away, or make him feel worse than I already have. I try to remember that I made a promise to keep him safe, and his happiness is a part of that safety in my mind.

i turn back to him, and I see he has moved back a few feet, with his hands in his pockets and his head hanging. I've rejected him all over again, and I hate myself. "Hey, I'm.. I'm sorry. It's just, you really shouldn't catch people off guard like that. Especially people like me," I trail off. My first instinct was to fight, to survive, and I feel I should think myself lucky that all I hurt were Peeta's feelings. 

"People like you?" He asks, "I'm not sure what that means, but you don't need to apologize to me, it was my fault. I just got nervous that if I didn't check, you wouldn't come up for air again."

"Did you think I'd kill myself?" My cheeks burn as I didn't mean to sound so harsh and accusing when I asked him that. He seems a bit dazed.

"No. No... I don't know?" He falters. "I'm not sure, I don't know what you would do or not do, I don't know you very well, but I just didn't want to see you hurt." 

"Right," I whisper. "You don't know me very well." Tears are threatening to spill over, so I grab my clothes from the rock so I can get out of there but they're still soaked. "Listen, I'm gonna wait for my clothes to dry a little more, but you should get back. You've been through a lot, and they're going to want to talk to you about how you got to 4." I purposely focus on wringing out the extra water from my shirt instead of looking into his beautiful eyes that pull at every heartstring.

"What are you even doing here?" I ask genuinely curious about the answer. "Did you follow me all the way here? For you to get in the water that fast you must have been close by." My tone is very clearly accusing him of what could only be described as stalking. 

"What? No!", he exclaims, "I was already here!" He runs his hands through his blond locks that have grown unruly. I can still see where the Capitol had put in artificial color for the games, but I'll know he doesn't remember that. "I was sitting a couple hundred feet that way," he says pointing south, "I saw you get in the water and I came over. No creepy guy lurker here, I promise." 

A few moments pass by where we both just shift our weight awkwardly, unsure of how to proceed with this already uncomfortable conversation. He looks west and a smile creeps on to his face. A spark ignites in his eyes as he audibly sighs and breaths deeply. Peaceful. That's the way he looks now, and that, in and of itself, gives me peace too. I follow his line of sight and I see what's brought him his joy. The sunset.

"It's my favorite color, orange," he says to me while still watching the day come to an end. "It's the only color where every shade is beautiful. Soft and subtle, or as hot as fire." He looks back at me and smiles. My heart breaks even though I smile in return. He has told me this before, but never in detail, and I find I am wishing I would have asked him more back when we were together in the games. But I mostly wish that he could remember me, and what we are to each other. I wish I didn't have to face these memories alone. 

"What's your favorite color?" He asks, and my mind snaps back from my moment of pity.

"Green," I whisper. My head drops as all these memories flood my mind. It's too much. Standing here and going along with this act that we don't know each other is too much. I feel this anger well up in me all over again- how much I hate what's happened, and what pain it's causing me now when I was just able to find a small sliver of peace! It's not fair! "Peeta, please you really need to go and get back, go!!! I'll be back soon. Just please go!" As much as I try to sound firm and commanding, my voice cracks and instead I sound desperate and sad. My nose begins to sting and I know tears are once again on their way.

After a moment when he doesn't reply I can't help myself and I look up at him. His eyes are narrowed, but more in concern than in anger, and his lips are down turned. His lips. I wish I didn't, but I feel that fire rise up in me. I wish I could kiss him, I wish his lips would kiss mine. I miss him. I miss him horribly. That last thought was all it took and the tears have started to flow. "Oh for fucks sake," I manage to croak out while I push the palms of my hands into my eyes. I keep them there while I address Peeta again, "Peeta please, I'm fine. Please. Please go back."

I'm met with silence once again, and a sort of annoyance bubbles up. I drop my hands and start to shout at him, but my voice is lost when I see him standing not even a foot in front of me. I can't stop staring into his eyes, those baby blue beautiful eyes. He takes a step towards me. My heart rate picks up, and I want to move away but at the same time I have this unbelievable scary feeling come over me. Peeta's mere presence is invigorating me, I almost feel him envelop me even though we are not touching. That changes when he reaches up and wipes the tears away from my cheeks.

His touch is so soft, and perfect, and just.... Everything. I push my face into his hands and he continues to wipe away the tears that won't stop raining down. I can't help myself now. I crash my body into his and throw my arms around his neck. My lips push against his, and I can tell he is stunned, but I can't let go just yet. I run my fingers through his hair, and kiss him a few more times through the tears. "It was all real for me," I cry against his mouth. "Even if you never know anything else, I need to tell you how it was real, so real, what I felt for you. It wasn't just you...." My voice trails off towards the end of my admission. 

I immediately grab for my clothes and run back towards headquarters, and I don't have the strength to turn around and look at the boy I've left behind.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does Katniss do now? Where does she go?

I ran all the way back to the base in practically nothing. There were only a few people I passed, thank god, and I went straight into the medical tent to get a set of dry clothes that aren't ripped apart at nearly every seam. No ones there so I just help myself. I dress and repin my hair. I stare at myself in the mirror for a while. It's the strangest feeling. I honestly don't recognize this girl. I mean it's clearly me, obviously Katniss, but at the same time not- does that make sense? It's still the same hair, skin tone, eye color ect ect. Even being this skinny is something not that unnormal to me. No, what's really changed are the things maybe I can only see. My eyes, they're haunted now, seeing things they should have never seen. My skin, it's scarred, which of course others will notice, but no one will know how it feels. It feels too thin, too stretched, and I feel more fragile than ever before. Peeta could never see me now the way he saw me then.

I close my eyes and try to forget about our scene at the brook. I was so desperate for him, but I'm gonna destroy what's left of myself if I don't let him go. His second chance has been tarnished, for sure, but he still doesn't need me around constantly reminding him that there's a whole chunk of his life he doesn't remember. The war is over, but I'm still torn between whether I want or dread continuing in this life. When the water rushed over me I felt alive, when I kissed Peeta I felt on fire with that life, but if I can't have him, I'm not sure. Eventually I will go back to twelve. I've known that for a while. There is no where else for me to go. Being home, without my mother and Prim seems unbearable. Even thinking of Prim causes me to double over in a pain that I can't describe because it affects all of me, inside and out. I clench my hands iro fists- this is not how I want to be feeling right now. I was never a very hopeful or positive person, but I could have never expected that at my age I'd feel about 60. I'm tired. I'm so so tired. I just want to sleep.

At the other end of the room there are a few gurneys, and one has a pillow. I walk over, slowly climb in, and lay myself down. If anyone walked in, I'd look like just your run of the mill corpse, another forgotten life. I sigh deeply. Just moments ago I thought I was breathing in a new beginning and now I'm here imagining my own death. I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't heal. I close my eyes, and despite all the turmoil I feel, I easily drift off the sleep.

 

 

I awaken to the sound of Lyme's voice over the loudspeakers. I'm groggy and feel incredibly stiff. I can't make out what she is saying not for lack of clarity, but for my lack of focus. I lazily roll off the gurney and take a moment to stretch out my muscles in my legs, back, and neck. I twist my spine and I hear it crack multiple times and I finally feel a little more free in my movement. I remember when I was a tribute and they gave us massages. It was the only thing besides the food and Peeta that I enjoyed during that time. I laugh as I remember Peeta being unsure if he wanted the huge and burly man masseuse working on him. As he walked into the room with him he looked back at me and seemed terrified. My masseuse couldn't get me to relax and stop laughing. Peeta called "Bruce" his closest friend after that. Ha, I put my hands to me cheeks that now hurt from the wide smile my face has worn while recalling that particular memory. I sigh, shake it off, and head to headquarters to see what it is I missed. 

There is a lot of commotion, people still celebrating the huge victory. Some are crying, shocked that this day is even possible. Others are singing and dancing around. It does make me happy to see these people, these good people, finally receive the chance to have a life that's not predetermined for them. I sit and smile. Someone passes by and hands me a glass with some sort of clear liquid in it. I smell it and it burns. "Ugh," I cough. "Drink it down sweetheart, time to celebrate," he says. I freeze- no one calls me that save for one person.

I look up at Haymitch, and I just shake my head at him. I really don't know how he lives with himself sometimes. Even I have enough social sense to stay away from things he runs towards. "What are you doing here, how did you get here," I ask.

"When Peeta went missing I came here to help. I figured he was being used as a game piece again. Rye is here too, just met up with Peeta again a few minutes ago." Haymitch seems happy, swigging from the bottle of poison. I've had a long week, so to my shock the poison sounds good right now, so I drink it all back. "Ahh there you go girl on fire. Sometimes it's alright to let yourself few as little as possible," Haymitch smirks.

"Coin had him Haymitch," I say accusingly. My eyes are narrowed and my voice is all business. "She was ready to hand him over to Snow. How... How did you let that happen???" I'm too tired to show the proper amount of fury I feel towards my mentor, but it must have sufficed because he actually has the decency to look ashamed.

"Katniss he was asleep most of every day, medically induced some of the time," he notices my confusion and he sighs. "I knew this would piss you off into next month but whatever, he asked so I told," he shrugs his shoulders and shoves his hands down into his pockets. 

"You. Told. Him. What." I'm nervous for his answer. We agreed to try and give him a fresh start, a new life!

"He had some memories Katniss, but they were skewed. He thought you had aided and abetted his torture," his voice grows soft and he sits close to me as I wrap my mind around what he just said. I'm all cried out so the tears don't come, I just sit motionless, without a word able to form on my lips. 

"He was so foggy, remembering bits and pieces. And I swear to you we only told him the skeleton of the story, and he will only know more if and when he chooses to restore his memories, which so far he has chosen not to do. But he knows he was a tribute, he knows you were tributes together, that you survived, and you were both put back into the games because of the rebellion."

I drop my head and am overcome with sadness. I really never wanted Peeta to ever know any of that, although I understand how improbable it was to keep it away from him, we had to try. He deserved it. I lean into Haymitch and he wraps his arm around my shoulders. Another thought crossed my mind that makes me want to kick myself just for having it enter my frikkin mind; but part of me wishes he would restore his memories. I wish he remembered me, and I realize that now that he knows we have a history together, he actively chose not to remember me. I close my eyes. I can't have it both ways. I either want him to have a future without he memories of his past, or I don't. I already made the choice.

"C'mon, we gotta get to Lyme. She is discharging all soldiers and finding ways for them to get home. You and me though, we got first class tickets back to 12 tomorrow morning if you want it," Haymitch mumbles.

of course I want it. No where else to go and nothing else to do. I get up and walk with Haymitch towards the center room, and when we enter we see that the celebration is still in progress even for the people at the top. I see Gale and walk over to him, his grin is wide and he is drinking something clear and stinky too.

"Haymitch says we leave for 12 tomorrow. Is Rory gonna meet us there?" I ask. His grin drops from his face and he runs his hand through his hair and takes a deep breath before looking at me. 

"I'm not going back to 12 Katniss," he says. "I'm gonna stay here in two and try to help this new government get up and running." 

I snicker to myself, "You haven't had enough of this?" 

"No, this is just getting started! We have a responsibility to make sure this all sticks," he says emphatically. He seems annoyed that I don't get it. "There's nothing left for me in 12." He says that last prt cautiously, but his eyes are fixed on me. I just shake my head at him.

"Its your home," I whisper. "I'm in 12."

His eyes soften, "Its not enough."

Maybe I shouldn't be shocked, but I am. I stutter as I remind him that our families lived and died there, that we have an equal responsibility to twelve. He won't hear any of it. 

"Gale, we've been a team in twelve for so long. What about hunting? The woods?" I desperately try to reach him. "Please don't leave me alone." I hate that I sound like I'm begging, but the thought of Gale not coming home had never even entered my mind. "We're supposed to be in 12 together, for fucks sake that's the way it's always been, can't something just stay the same or be easy!!!"

"And right there proves my point," he says, and he doesn't hide the exasperation in his voice. "What you need, isn't what I want to be. All of it, the woods, us, 12.... Like I said, it's not enough. I WANT to be here."

"So," I stammer, "that's it then?" I'm having a hard time feeling any compassion towards him, and if I'm truly honest with myself, I think it's solely the solitude I fear, not just a life without Gale. He hasn't been the same. Or maybe it's because I'm not the same and that's the reason why we haven't felt much towards each other lately. It's just... He was family, and no matter what happened, I wanted to hold on to the idea that I could be with family again, because there is no one waiting for me in 12.

"Yea Catnip, that's it."

Despite knowing our relationship had forever changed even before this moment, my heart hurts hearing that. I can't be what Gale wants me to be, so my friendship and how we've been like family is apparently not enough for him or me anymore. This sucks. "Okay," I grumble, and I walk away. To Gale's credit, he doesn't follow me. 

__________________________

The next morning I'm standing outside the hovercraft waiting for Haymitch to wake up from his drunken stupor. I take in my surroundings; hovercrafts, guns, ammo, bombs. I can't wait to be gone from this. A weird thing happens where I drift off in my own mind and fantasize that I'm going home to my mom and Prim, and that Peeta is coming with me. We have a life together, all of us, and a smile crosses my lips. I hear a truck backfire somewhere and I'm instantly jolted from my happy dream. I pinch the skin at the back of my neck, furious with myself for entertaining the unattainable thoughts. Those hopes are dead.

As I wait, as if on cue, I see Peeta walking towards me. Unrealistically, I panic that the Capitol must have some device that reads my thoughts, and I almost expect Caesar Flickerman to walk out and ask me all sorts of insensitive, horrifyingly ignorant questions about my dream life with my star crossed lover. No cameras appear though, and Peeta just gets closer. My heart races, and i wonder if he will come back with me to twelve. Which is the way it should be. Ugh! I literally just told myself to stop thinking like that. Since when did I become the person who had to turn off _positive_ thoughts? I try to shut my mind up because its not doing me any favors.

Before to long he is standing in front of me, and the same look of confusion that he had at the brook is showing on his face now. Great. He just stands there awkwardly, starting and stopping himself from speaking. I decide to take the burden away from him.

"Hey," I say cautiously. "What are you doing here?"

"I knew the hovercraft was leaving soon. I figured you'd be on it, so I thought I'd get a chance to talk to you, to thank you, before you go." He mutters.

"Thank me? For what?" He seems so nervous to talk to me, so I try to keep that edge I have so naturally from my voice. 

"I.... I don't know all of anything it seems," he starts, and I wince acknowledging the truth of it. "But I do know that I'm still here, still alive, and I... I know that must have a lot to do with you," he finishes, and he steps in closer to me. My breath catches as I can see every detail, every colored spec in his eyes. "I always wanted to know you, always," he continues. "It's so strange knowing that the one part of my life you were a part of will be the one time I don't remember. It seems unfair." His eyes start to water, but I hold my ground. I won't attack him with affection again, he looks lost enough as it is. "It doesn't seem like they are memories anyone would want to know though, real or not real?"

"Real," I whisper. Except for me, every memory with him in it are a huge part of who I am now. Good or bad, those memories are of my life as it was, and will shape how my life will be. The only solace or peace I had at those times was knowing that Peeta, this amazing man in front of me, was with me. But I understand what he means, it's the exact reason we decided not to restore his memories.

"I wish I could have known you in a different time," he says.

"Me too," I respond. "I really wish that too." I really really really do.

"I'm going back to thirteen," he says as his eyes drop to the floor. I just nod my head and bite my lip. I knew I shouldn't have expected he'd come back home. "Thank you, for everything I know I should thank you for, and everything I don't remember I should thank you for." It gets quiet between us again, and after a moment or two of uncomfortable glancing and shifting our weight back and forth he offers one last smile and turns away. 

I watch him go, and the very harsh realization that I may never see him again hits my heart like a bullet. 

"Peeta!" I call out, and he turns around quickly, locking eyes with mine. "It was you," I choke out. "It was you too. You saved me. We protected each other, that's what you and I do." I feel faint, but I keep going. "So.... So, I should thank you too. For everything you remember I should thank you for, and for all the things you don't remember I should thank you for." I smile towards him. Peeta is alive and finally safe. I succeeded in what I set out to do. My boy with the bread will live. "Good luck Peeta, truly. Good luck." 

He smiles at me, and we both turn around. He walks back to headquarters, and I board this hovercraft that's taking me back to the graveyard that used to be my home. Alone.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Alright, so I'm not totally alone. Haymitch finally made it to the aircraft, albeit I think we can thank Finnick for that, since my mentor was practically being carried by him. Finnick, forever a good sport, set him down and buckled him in. Then he sat himself next to me, and I saw him wince as he couldn't quite hide how much dealing with Haymitch had hurt the injury on his leg.

We just sit there quietly for a few moments, shaking our heads as Haymitch snores. Seriously, he makes sounds that would terrify children. Finnick looks back at me smiling incredulously and he can't hold back his boisterous laugh as Haymitch actually belches in his sleep. "He really is a disgusting creature," I say, and the moment is made even worse as the drunkard starts itching and grabbing at his crotch. Finnick is crying laughing now, trying so hard not to wake him up, but I have no such mercy.

"Haymitch!!!! For the love of God.." I exclaim, clapping my hands together as hard I can in order to rouse him. His eyes flutter open, and he wipes the bit of drool that was pooling at the corner of his mouth. Lovely. "Ugh, for shits sake Haymitch, please, I didn't live through all of this so I can spend the rest of my life being repulsed by every thing you do."

He shakes himself awake, and looks over at me practically cross-eyed. I can't help but narrow my eyes at him and wrinkle my nose. I'll never understand this man. He blinks a few times and focuses on me, Finnick is hysterical, and as I look back to him I can't help the small smile that comes to my lips. How is he amused by this, I wonder, Haymitch is worse than an actual pig.

"Sweetheart," Haymitch starts, and I brace myself for what's sure to be an awful exchange. "You know how much I love listening to your charm, but I also didn't survive all of this to be lectured on the proper way to sleep off a hangover. So to quote a poet more eloquent than myself- screw off." Two seconds later he is back to sleeping, but thankfully the change in his position has quieted the snoring.

To my absolute shock and amazement, I laugh. It's just so ridiculous- after it all, it's gonna be me and Haymitch. Life's just funny I guess. After a few moments the engines roar to life and I walk Finnick to the exit. We turn to face each other, and he nods at me, forever reassuring me that he truly believes all will be well. I nod my head back, however my nod is the one with the negative connotation. He rolls his eyes at me and wraps me in a hug that's so comforting and warm that it forces some positivity into my bones. If I had ever had a brother, I imagine Finnick would be perfect. I exhale and wrap myself around him tighter. Thinking of a brother makes me think of my sister and how I wont be going home to her. My emotions and energy are nearly entirely spent, and I still have no more tears to cry, but the stabbing pain I feel in my heart is ever present when I think of her. Finnick notices the change in my body language and pulls away. He places his hands on my shoulders and looks me straight in the eyes. He sees my expression, sighs, and then crosses his eyes and let's his tongue stick out. It's so stupid an action, but very unexpected, so I can't help the small exasperated smirk that lands on my face.

"Ohhhh Katniss," he chuckles. "No worries, baby girl, we are gonna be okay." He notices me roll my eyes, and he laughs. "It's gonna take time, I know, I know," he sighs and then looks at me intently with a soft smile on his face. "But we will be." 

I want to be. I so very much want to be, and I think that I'll try even harder, for Finnick. "Thanks Finnick," I mutter. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye to him too, I'm tired of goodbyes. "When do you head back to 13?" He never actually told me he was going back to 13, but Annie is there, so there is no where else district 4 water God would be.

"In a couple days," he replies, and then his eyes drop and the most peaceful look stretches across his ruggedly handsome face. "Annie is up more, Lyme told me she asked for me."

"Oh Finnick that's amazing," I exclaim. It does my soul good to see the hope and excitement radiating from his eyes. Annie may come back to him after all. I smile watching him, knowing all the happy thoughts that are flooding his mind. Unfortunately, because of my selfish nature, I also feel a pang of jealousy. I imagine I'd look as excited as Finnick does now, if I knew Peeta could come back to me. 

The hovercraft starts making its last preparations and I'm called to board. I look back at my friend, and I know that this isn't the end for us. I'll see Finnick again. He pulls me in for one last hug, and kisses me atop my head. We let go, and I walk back on board, but I turn back as I hear him call me.

"Katniss, I'll watch out for him," he says. "I'll be there for him, and I'll let you know how he does."

I smile sadly, and think again how lucky I am to know  Finnick. "Please be a friend for him," I reply, it gives me peace knowing Peeta will have Finnick. "But please don't tell me anything about it." I say sadly. I hope that doesn't sound too cold, but I really don't think I could handle updates on Peeta quite yet. It hurts to badly. 

Finnick nods sadly, yet also knowingly, at me, and I wave at him as the door to the hovercraft closes. I sit down next to my mentor, sleeping beauty, and ready myself for the long flight back to 12. 

<><><><><><><><><>

 

After a couple hours, we are let know that we are entering 12's airspace. A thought comes to mind and I stand and walk towards the only window I can access and look down. 

My breath catches. No, no no, I think to myself. I had forgotten just how bad the decimation was. There is still so much smoke, and so many broken down or completely obliterated buildings. I'm not sure if it's even possible to rebuild this place, my home. Nothing seems salvageable. We start our descent, and I know I should be sitting in my seat, but I can't move from the window. We land roughly, and I fall to the ground. Haymitch stirs, and finally fully wakes up. "Ugh," he groans, "are we there yet?" He runs his eyes with his hands and then stretches his arms up high while muttering something to himself. I don't answer him, and a few moments later the door opens and the engines shut down.

I stand up and even though I fully intended on de boarding, I freeze. I start breathing quickly and shallow. I'm not ready for this, I'm not ready for this at all. I'm so stupid, why did I think I could come back here? Immediately I'm furious with Gale, and blame him for making me face this on my own. Before I get anymore worked up, I feel hands on my shoulders, and Haymitch shushing me gently. 

"Shh, it's alright. It's alright. I'm here. We are gonna walk through this together," he says. I nod my head and reach out to take the hand he has offered. I realize I never ever give Haymitch credit, mostly because of his drunkeness, but he has tried to be there for me every step of the way, and I start to feel ashamed that I've only thought of myself and how hard it would be for me. I never even thought of how anything would affect Haymitch. I look back and recall the pain in his eyes when the quell was announced, when he finally got Peeta and I back from the Capitol, how hard he has tried to keep us alive. I could do much worse than having haymitch as a companion in life.

We walk out, still hand in hand. It takes us a while to maneuver our way away from the aircraft station, but eventually we get to road that leads to where the town is, the merchant sector. As we walk up my heart feels heavier and heavier. There is almost nothing here. The walkways, buildings, and the school are gone. The school hits me hard. We're there children there when it was bombed? No, stop Katniss, I think to myself. I can't do that, I'll never make it if I let myself think that way right now. We continue walking, and having Haymitch with me and his hand to steady me is the only thing keeping me going. 

I look to my left and I feel nauseated. There are people collecting other people, or at least what's left of them, and piling them into a cart. One man carries, and then lays down, the body of a child who couldn't have been more than 4 years old. It's decomposing and charred. It's horrific. I then look behind the carriage and see what's left of the bakery. It's almost completely gone, and I think of how many times I walked to the back to trade with Peeta's dad. The one thing still standing is the part of the structure that has the sign upon it, 'Mellark's'. 

I just stand there staring. The bodies, what's left of Peeta's home, and what's not left of everything else. At first I thought it would put me over the edge, but I'm numb. My breathing is slow, even, and no tears cascade down my cheeks. After what feels like hours, Haymitch pulls me away, and we continue on our path to Victos's Village. It takes much longer, mostly because there is so much ruble to work through, and human remains to avoid. We pass people, twelvians who despite everything could never abandon their home. We nod at them as we all understand each other. 

We finlly make it to the village, and as expected my home is gone. Haymitch's home is standing as are three others. It's only Peeta's home and my own that are gone. Only now do i release Haymitch's hand and walk on my own to the remains. Haymitch stays close behind me, but recognizes I need to walk through it on my own. It's strange, I can't feel loss. I only lived here for a brief year. There were no memories here that I care to remember, no happy times as a family. All of those remain at our home in the seam. Yet, this is the last home of my mother and Prim. When we moved in I thought Prim finally, finally, would have a shot at a life without hunger, without destitution. How could I have known? How could I have foreseen what actually happened? 

Dust blows and I shield my eyes. The air is hot, stale, and I'm terrified at what or who I'm breathing in. I cover my mouth and continue forward. I slowly sift through what's left. Mostly I'm just displacing rocks, bits of wood and glass. I throw table legs to the side, and bits and pieces of cloth from bedding and towels. I see tthe splintered remains of a china cabinet and I move over towards it. It's completely broken apart, but one drawer juts out and I see it, the picture of my father, and beneath it, the plant book. I can hardly believe it. The book is badly damaged, but I think it's salvageable, and when I turn through the pages I land on the last ones and see Prim's writing. My eyes go wide, and I can only make out some of it, but I see she added her own experiences to the book. I close it and hug it to my chest. I pick up the frame and the glass is broken and the picture of my dad is slightly wet, but again salvageable. I turn back to Haymitch, and he smiles at me. I can't believe it, but I smile too. I'd fully expected to have lost everything. Though I lost most of everything I loved in my life, having these two things brings a bit of it back to me, and for that I'm grateful.

We eventually enter Haymitch's still standing home, and we are both taken by surprise. It's dusty, and a few windows have blown out, but aside from that not only is it not damaged, but it's clean. No empty bottles, old vomit, vermin, dirty dishes, ect ect. 

"Uh, Hazelle must have been here when we left for the quell," Haymitch whispers. "She, uhh, I remember her telling me that when I got back she'd have my house looking spotless, and that she would make a big dinner for me." 

I look up at him, and he has tears in his eyes. He knows what happened to Hazelle. I think I see guilt there too, that he is alive and coming home to a virtually perfect home while Hazelle and so many others are cold and buried in the ground. 

"There isn't anything you could have done. This isn't your fault," I whisper to him. 

"I know- does that thought help you?" He asks, and his point is made. No. That thought doesn't help me, not at all. But I hope maybe it can bring some peace to both of us one day, a long way off from now.

He shows me to a room I can stay in, and says he will walk back into town where the war relief station is. Obviously there is no running water here, and the well water is contaminated, so the army has tents set up throughout each district that provides clean water, clothing, food, and blankets. The idea is to get everyone the basics so they can get healthy enough to rebuild. There are makeshift hospitals around too, but they offer only the very basic. Severely hurt or sick people have been airlifted to the Capitol and district 6 where a full hospital still stands in what's left of the district that handled medicines. 

While he is gone, I lay on the bed after stripping down to barely nothing. I wrap myself in blankets, and before I can worry about what nightmares will surely terrify me in my dreams, I fall asleep.

<><> **4 months later** <><>

It takes a really, really long time. For two months Haymitch was constantly in and out of drunken blackouts, not saying anything unless he screamed out from the terror he felt towards the ghosts that haunt him. I stayed in my room, only leaving to use the bathroom or get food and water. I could barely move. Barely make my mind turn on long enough to live in the moment, as opposed to being constantly dragged through the horror of the past. I never slept. The nightmares were worse than ever before, and I had nothing, and no one, to protect me from them. Haymitch and I were too broken to help each other; to damaged to encourage each other to live, to go on.

4 months after we arrived, a bandaged Greasy Sae made an appearance on our doorstep. I was the one to open the door, Haymitch was passed out on the couch. She pushed past me and entered without me saying a single word. She took a look around shaking her head. "Figures," she mutters. I become defensive. Who is she to judge us? I open my mouth to object to her just barging in here, but before I get the chance she grabs my wrist and starts pulling me up the stairs. I'm too shocked to retaliate. 

"Girl, I'm not saying that you haven't been dealt the shittiest hand I have ever seen in all of my long years," she yells, "but I'll be damned if you take your life and throw it in the cesspool with so many of the others. You got a chance to live, so you're gonna live damnit, especially when so many others can't."

She drags me into the bathroom and starts the tub. When did the water come back on? Ugh, I really haven't been paying attention. She adjusts the temperature and turns back to me.

"If I come back and your not in that water, I'll throw you in it myself," she exclaims as she walks out of the room.

I don't know what it is about her that makes me acquiesce to her demands. Normally I fight people and am as stubborn as a nail, but I don't have the strength to fight against someone who I know will win in the end anyway. Besides, I'm out of practice with my typically smart mouth. 

I slowly take off the few clothes I'm even wearing and cautiously sink into the water. I exhale deeply and rest back against the tub. It's ridiculously amazing. I loathe to admit it, but I haven't bathed once since being home. I dunk myself under the rising water and turn it off once it's as high as it can go. My hands go to my hair, and it's so ratted I don't think I could ever comb through it, I'll have to cut it off.

Just then Sae bursts through the door again and I gasp, startled by her aggressive entrance. Then she pulls Haymitch into the room, and I duck under the water even more about to cuss at her that a bath with Haymitch is out of the question. Then I see Haymitch is still fully clothed, but she shoves him into the shower and turns the water on. She holds the door closed so he can't get out. 

"AHHHHHHH! Woman!" Haymitch screams pounding on the shower door weakly. 4 months of no movement or proper nourishment has caused both of us to whither away a bit. "Oh fucking FUCK!!!! Fuck fuck fuck, it's freezing!!!!" 

"Well I thought you'd want to be a gentlemen and let the girl have the warm water," Sae exclaims. "Strap a pair of balls on and take it like a man!" 

"Ugh.. I sw-swear I'll kill you."

"Ha! I'd like to see you try, I got you up the stairs, and into a cold shower and you couldn't fight me off once!!!!" 

Haymitch quiets himself to consider this and I hear him sigh in resignation. "Can I at least get soap," he complains.

"Sure sugar. You clean up that still good looking body of yours," Sae says. "By the way Haymitch, I would have never known that you were a man with a schlong considering you can be such a whiny little cunt."

I stare at her, and my mouth just hangs open. What, and why, is she saying this! Haymitch must be shocked too because he is so slow to respond.

"Well," he states slowly, "if I wasn't messed up before, hearing that has fucked me right up for life."

Sae looks at me and winks, and then I laugh. I full on, can't control myself, laugh. She joins me, and I laugh even harder when I hear her cackle. We continue on with our hysterics for what feels like forever, and I grab my cheeks because I have pain from smiling for too long- I don't think that's ever happened to me before. 

After we are properly cleaned up, we all head downstairs and Sae makes us dinner. I keep giggling from the shower scene earlier, and Haymitch keeps scowling anytime Sae comes near him. It's the most normal I've felt in years, and a small bit of hope wells up inside me. Sae pulls out a deck of cards she says she got at the relief station and teaches us a few games. Not surprisingly, Haymitch is all about gambling, so even he cracks some smiles here and there.

I go to sleep that night, and another horrible nightmare causes me to wake up screaming and thrashing. Haymitch runs in and sits next to me on the bed. "For fucks sake- can you please have a nightmare that doesn't make it sound like a fucking mutt is mauling you?" I don't find his crude humor funny in any way tonight, and it's in these moments that I miss Peeta more than humanly possible. We comforted each other, always. Haymitch is nothing like Peeta, and while I give him credit for at least trying to act like a compassionate human now and again, he really can't be anything other than what he is. I can't fault him for it, because at times its what's made him a great friend. He sees my anger towards him and he switches his tune, trying to be comforting. 

"I thought maybe the nightmares would stay away tonight," I cry. "I just thought that after today... May- just maybe..." I can't finish the thought.

Haymitch gets off the bed and kneels down in front of me, "One good day won't change anything," he whispers. "But multiple good days will start changing little things. We have to push harder Katniss. We've been fucking awful."

I smile tiredly, and I know he is right. We need to do better. We need to live. For all of those who cant, we need to try to live.

<><><><><><><><><>

The days go by so slowly, so awfully snail like. I've found that if I keep moving, they go by a little faster. I start helping clear out rubble in the square, and I'm somewhat becoming immune the the states that I consistently receive. Even though I don't see myself as the Mockingjay anymore, I know they all do. They always will. It's been a blessing that's kept me alive, and my curse.

Haymitch and I still aren't masters at conversation, but at least he doesn't just grunt at me now. He started taking care of geese..... I still smirk when I think of it. It's honestly the last thing I thought he'd do. Take care of something living? I would have thought he had enough of that, but even he manages to surprise me in this new world. It's been quite amusing to watch him argue with the birds anyway, so I don't complain about them too much. 

"Broadcast services are up," Haymitch mumbles at dinner.

"...okay?" 

"Well, it's just that they're airing the execution of Snow tonight," he replies peering up at me cautiously.

I stare at him, it looks as though he has braces himself for a violent reaction from me, but I don't know why he would expect one. Of course I want Snow executed. "Is that a bad thing? Cuz I gotta say Haymitch you feeling sympathy for the first time ever, and it's for Snow, doesn't sit well with me."

He gives me one of his sideways smiles, which is by far his most endearing look. It doesn't have the smug condescending look of his full on smiles. "No, I'm not developing a heart now," he starts, "but I did think you wanted to be present for his execution, if not kill him yourself." 

I think on that for a while. Should I be upset I'm not there? Why don't I? As I wonder, it hits me. "Haymitch," I begin, "it's done. Snow doesn't hold power over me anymore. He is a deadman, and I've dealt out more death than I could handle. Let someone else take on the burden."

He smiles at me, and we both realize in that moment that we are healing. Old Haymitch and old Katniss would have wanted his blood on our hands, but not now. I smile back, and I make a mental note to remember this moment- when a part of my soul came back.

A few hours later we have the hologram on and we are watching the programming leading up to the execution. Footage of the war, clips from every single hunger games, and pictures of all the people that have died under Snow's reign. It's gut wrenching. I feel responsible for so many of those faces of the dead that flash up on that screen. The tributes, my neighbors, my family. I see them all, and the loss feels fresh. Haymitch hands me a bottle and I think I'll allow myself to get a little numb to be able to handle all of this. 

Finally Paylor walks on screen and reads off every indictment Snows been charged and found guilty of; that alone takes nearly an hour. They bring him out then. He looks awful. Thin, gaunt, fragile- he has never looked worse, and it doesn't faze me one bit. His hands are tied behind a post, and areas of his body are secured as well. For some god awful reason he is offered the chance to have last words. Stupid fuckers.

"People of Panem, I am at peace. It's you who should not be. Human nature has proven itself time and time again, fear will win, and you will do horrible things because of it."

"Wel isn't that cheery?" Haymitch bemoans. "A big fucking thank you to the asshat that let this guy have last words."

I can't help the smile that comes to my face, and I turn to laugh at him, but when I see the surprise on his face, my own smile disappears and I look back to the screen to see what has my mentor shocked.

Its Peeta who comes out.

He looks stronger, heavier and not nearly as frail as he did when I last saw him. But he also looks scary. There's an anger and hate present that I've never seen cross that perfect face. I lean forward in disbelief. What's happened to him?

Before I know what's happening, Peeta lifts up a gun. "Haymitch!!!" I cry out. "Peeta shouldn't do this!" 

Haymitch is frozen in confusion, and I bring my hands up and clutch at my face. No, Peeta, no no, please no. There is nothing I can do. A countdown begins, but Peeta lets the gun drop from Snows head, and points it to an area on his shoulder. "3,2,1." He shoots. Snow screams out, no doubt thinking that he would have been immediately killed, but Peeta saw to it that he would suffer, that he would die slowly by bleeding out. They cut back to Paylor and she assures us that they will leave Snow on the screen until he takes his last breath. Peeta walks up and the interviewer asks him a few question that I just don't have the wherewithal to focus on, save the last one.

"So Peeta, what's next?" The man asks.

Looking straight into the camera Peeta replies, "I'm going home. Back to 12."

"Oh my God," Haymitch whispers, and he reaches over and grabs my leg. I'm not sure if that's to benefit me or him, or maybe both of us. Peeta is coming home. I'm ecstatic and terrified. Why is he coming home? What has happened that caused my boy with the bread to look so unlike himself? Who came up with the idea to have Peeta shoot him? Not that I didn't want Snow to suffer, but Peeta never had a vengefulness about him. I'm scared for him. I have so many emotions, questions, and fears coursing through my body that I start to hyperventilate and Haymitch has to hold me to help me calm down. Right now, there is only one thing I know....

 

Peeta is coming home...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of "Erased". Part Three of the series is on its way. I so hope that you will continue on with this story! I promise it will be worth it. Please please review and let me know what you think or if there is anything I need to address for the upcoming section!!!


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